


Degrees of Separation

by Doeeerie (xAradarsi)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cheating, Drama, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurities, M/M, Sex, every single couple in homestuck will probably be in this fic, i don't know how to tag things, just all the feelings, literally i mean seriously its porn with plot basically, lots of sex in later chapters, mentions of dirkjake, some sadstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 33,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xAradarsi/pseuds/Doeeerie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider, and you don't believe in soul mates.</p><p>At least not really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Awkward reunions are great.

Your name is Dave Strider, and today is going to be the day. You don’t even have to say what the day is, as everyone knows what the day means. You are going to do it today. Today you are going to stop being a coward and say what you really mean. It’s been over a year now, and it’s time that you finally speak up and say the words you never said back then.

You can do it.

Of course you can do it you are Dave Motherfucking Strider. There is no doubt that you can do this. Not like you haven’t been avoiding it every day since it happened. Today is the day that you are going to just spill all your feelings. And just fix all the problems. And then it’ll be back to the way it was like a year ago.

You can do it.

So why the hell are you still sitting here staring at your computer screen shaking? No you aren’t shaking you are just hyped up on caffeine. Even though you haven’t had any today. Just caffeine. You can do this. It’s easy, you just need to hit enter and that’s the first step. Pesterchum has always been easy to sign into. You do this every morning. Today is no different.

You click the sign in button, and instantly the chat window pops up showing who’s online and who’s offline.

Online:

ectoBiologist

Offline:

gardenGnostic

tentacleTherapist

You let out a deep sigh, he’s online. You can do this. You can totally do this. You click his name (and no it didn’t take you a whole five minutes it just took a second), and instantly the screen pops up for you to type what you want to say. You take a minute to think of what you want to say.

TG: hey man its been a while since weve talked

“That’s fucking gay Dave come on.” You backspace quickly and growl out in frustration. Let’s try again.

TG: sup egbert hows it hang

“No. Fuck no. Fucking no no no.” Again you backspace until you are left with a blank space. This was more frustrating than ever before. You could do this. It was easy. You just had to message him and tell him how you felt.

TG: i still miss you

You hover over the send button. That seems sincere enough. No bullshitting poker face bullshit. Just clean and to the point. You can do this.

ectoBiologist is now offline

Fuck.

You backspace all over again before signing out and shutting down your laptop. Today was obviously not the day. Just like yesterday wasn’t the day. And the day before that wasn’t the day. And all the days in the year leading up to today were not the motherfucking day. You’re starting to get a fucking headache thinking about this so much. It’s been a year since then and yet you still can’t apologize.

Not that you should be apologizing.

No that’s not right you both need to apologize. A lot of shit went down.

You sigh and pack up your laptop into your bag and grab a pack of cigarettes before walking out of your dingy apartment and slamming the door behind you. As soon as the cold air hits you, you light up like always and take a puff of the nicotine inducing smokes. You were frustrated. You were sure that today would be the day.

But of course it’s fucking not because you can’t actually deal with all your god damn feelings. You’ve been avoiding them for a year now, and you’ll probably do it for another year too. Just like the days that turned into months that turned into a year.

Maybe you were just not supposed to get him back as a friend. Obviously that’s what the world was telling you. And why the fuck was it up to you to apologize anyway? It wasn’t your fucking fault. You stop yourself from thinking that. It wasn’t his fault either. It was both of your fault, and you needed to be the man that you were and apologize.

That’s what you’ve been working on for a full year now.

Obviously you needed a new strategic plan.

The ding of a bell brings you out of your own thoughts when you finally enter the stupid place you work at. Already the place is fucking busy as hell and you are already being yelled at to hurry up and clock in. Fucking working at a restaurant was the worst fucking idea in the fucking planet. It was hard enough keeping your mouth clean, harder still to not be sarcastic with the customers.

Today you were waiting tables like always; which was a bit better because when you got female tables your tips were ten times what they normally would be. Strider charms are after all quite useful. Luckily tonight you had a gig at the club you were supposed to DJ for, and so today would end on a high note instead of just a stuffy why-the-fuck-do-I-still-work-here day.

Plus you only worked a four hour shift and then had an couple hours break before the club gig. It wasn’t like you spent half the day struggling internally to message your ex-best friend.

You totally did.

The work is easy enough; taking orders, dropping off food and drinks, keeping everyone happy. You made good tips, but the actual pay was shit. It was enough to pay the rent to your own shitty apartment, and pay bills. Your club money went mostly to other things like getting better equipment, or curbing your photography craving. It was enough to get by, but what you wouldn’t kill for being able to just make a living on being a DJ.

“Strider! You’re good to go. You’ve stayed over enough. Get your ass out and do something else for a change!”

Thank fucking god. You nod at your manager and sigh in fucking relief. This job was tiring as hell and you were getting fed up with staying over when other people left right on time. Fucking slackers. At least you still had time to actually get to the club and set up beforehand, maybe get in some extra hours at the club. That’d really bring in the bucks.

It takes you three times to finally get your car to turn over and actually work. Things a piece of shit and it barely works, but it’s better than walking everywhere. You’re at a red light when your phone starts vibrating in your pocket. It’s easy enough to pull out, normally you’d ignore it but it might be something important.

Like your Bro actually calling to check up on you.

It wasn’t.

It turned out to be a text. You look at the number for a minute before deeming it unimportant and tossing the phone into the seat beside you. It takes a total of thirty minutes to reach the club, and when you get there you finally open up your phone and check the text that you got. The text brings a smirk to your face as you read it.

GC sent you:

DONT 3ND UP CHOK1NG ON YOUR OWN VOM1T TH1S T1M3 >8D

Nice of Terezi to send you a friendly reminder of the first time you worked at this club. You don’t bother responding as you finish up your smoke and then walk into the club. You’ve got about an hour left before the club puts you on. Or so you think.

Turns out there is some other guy standing next to the owner talking to him, and no one talks to the owner except a headliner. Which sort of pisses you off because you were guaranteed this was going to be a full nine to three shift. He looks at you for a minute and waves you over, it’s then that you are hit with the reeling sense that you sort of need to go vomit.

“John?”

“Dave?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright this is my first multi-chaptered Homestuck fic. I have no idea how long it'll be. But it started out as this idea in my head that had no basis until I saw this fanart. It finally solidified the idea and then sort of expanded. I'm also posting this on my tumblr, echoingsentiment. I'll tag all updates and questions as "degrees of separation" so you can savior or track it if you like. Enjoy. Also if anyone knows html that'd be great to tell me.


	2. Catching Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops.

You vomit all over his shoes. 

As if you could make yourself feel like more shit you get vomit all over his shoes, and he looks at you like he’s half offended and like he half wants to laugh. You almost throw up again just because of the idea that you actually threw up in the first place. You really shouldn’t have had that second burrito from Rufioh.

The manager is giving you a look that says that he’s getting real tired of you losing your lunch on his floor, and you want to respond but as soon as you open your mouth you close it and put a hand over your stomach. That second burrito was defiantly not a good idea. You want to speak, you want someone to break this awkward silence and you want it to be you but god you aren’t feeling good.

“Uhm, ginger ale would be good. It would be optimal if you had peaches but I doubt that’s a thing you have.” John’s looking at the manager who gives him a weird look before rolling his eyes and walking away while calling the janitor. You aren’t sure what to really do but god you are so regretting that second burrito. Rufioh may have been great at providing you with your Mexican craving fix, but man they were not that great coming back up.

Oh god why were you still thinking about vomit. John is in front of you and all you can think of is your own vomit. Wow this is the greatest reunion ever. Way to make a great impression after a year dude. John is looking at you with a half-smile and slowly stepping out of the pile of your—let’s not get reminded of that. 

“Well it’s nice to see you too Dave.” Oh god he was already at it with the jokes. Except how do you know if that’s a joke and legit acceptance to open conversation or not? Your stomach hurts too much for this.

“I should not have eaten that second burrito.”

“You always did overeat when you had Mexican.”

“It’s cause Mexican is the shit. Just not as good as Chinese.”

“Nothing’s as good as Chinese. Chinese is the food that rules them all.”

“Fucking top of the food pyramid that’s for fucking sure.”

He laughs, and you try not to let it make your heart flutter hearing it again. You smirk, the closest he’ll get to a laugh and he knows it. Somehow that year doesn’t seem like it’s there. He ends up changing his shoes and socks. Turns out he keeps a spare pair in his trunk in case he gets sick on stage.

Guess it wasn’t just you that got sick before the stage.

It also turns out that the manager did have peaches, which was the oddest request that John could make, but what he made you do was odd. “You have to not eat the peaches and drink the syrup. It calms an upset stomach and stops the process of throwing up. I usually have some with me just in case.” You look at him for a moment, but don’t say anything and instead do as he asks.

You didn’t expect the effect to be instant, but within a few minutes your stomach has settled down enough that you can calmly trust yourself to not throw up in front of him ever again. At least tonight anyway.  
The two of you sit in awkward silence. How exactly do you go back to being friends after a year apart. It’s not like you really know how this apology thing works. You were never one to talk about your feelings. You and Bro always just strifed them out. Of course it turns out that in real life that doesn’t exactly work. 

“So you DJ at the club?” He’s the one that speaks first.

“Uh, yeah. I DJ occasionally. What are you actually here for?” He smiles softly for a minute, like he’s remembering something nice. He swirls the straw in his cup, and doesn’t say anything. You aren’t sure if you are really in a ground to be pushing. Instead you turn away and take a drink of the coke you got. Turned out they didn’t have ginger ale, but the coke was also a nice way to settle your stomach. At least according to John. Who so far was getting all this stuff right.

“I play at different clubs. I play the piano. It’s not exactly what you might think either. I go on an hour before you do, and then you switch over. But I never really thought I’d run into you again. At least not here.”  
You shrug. 

“I was just called this morning. The call actually woke me up, so it’s not like I was scheduled. The normal DJ canceled.”

“Oh.”

Silence falls again, and you both awkwardly avoid looking at each other. But even though it’s awkward you can’t help but see the way that he looks different after a year. He’s filled out even more, still has a bit of fat but mostly it’s muscle. He also still dresses like a tool, but it’s more refined for the club scene. He’s only wearing a hoodie, shirt and jeans. Yet it still manages to look like he’s a big fucking tool. That’s probably because he is.

But the thing that bugs you the most is that you still find him attractive. You still find his messy black hair to be cute when it falls in his face right against his glasses. And those haven’t changed a bit. Still the damn hipster black square frames. And it sucks because you’d hate them but they bring out his eyes more than usual so instead of just blue they’re intense as fuck. He even still does that stupid biting his lip thing. 

In the end your heart still flutters.

“I go on in five. I guess I’ll go set up.” He stands to leave and you nod in acknowledgement. You aren’t really sure what to say. It’s awkward. You suspected it would be but you never suspected that you’d see him here of all places. It was the worst timing ever. 

The club isn’t exactly full, but it’s got enough people that he has a pretty big crowd. Though you weren’t really sure why in the world a club would let him play the piano. But there is a piano set up to speakers, and it looks like a computer. He doesn’t say anything about who he is, so he’s like you in that sense. He presses something on the computer, and then starts to play.

You find yourself surprised and awed by what happens.

It’s not classical, but part of it is. He’s playing the piano, but yet it’s being synthesized with a beat and it’s almost like classical dub step if you could call it that. And he’s actually getting a good response from the crowd who seem to be enjoying it. You never would have thought that someone like him would play in a club like this. Or even start mixing music. What even made him start thinking of doing this? 

The show really isn’t bad, and he stops playing right on time for you to go on. He gets a lot of praise, and the smile on his face is enough to stop your heart temporarily as you pass him to set up yourself. He smiles at you, and for a moment you aren’t sure he actually said it, but as he walks away you sure he did.

“Talk to me after you get started.”

The words replay in your head and you aren’t sure if you are feeling sick to your stomach because of the nerves of playing for the club or because you’ll talk to him again. Instead you set up your equipment and start slow. Bringing in the crowd and gathering their attention. By now the club is filled with the night crowd, and people are drunk and high and ready to dance their inhibitions away.

Once the beat drops the whole crowd is going wild with energy. You feel confident here on the stage. You almost don’t want to let it go by itself, but avoiding talking to John any longer could just result in another fight. And you aren’t exactly sure you really want to fight again after seeing him for the first time in a year. You leave the music playing, and escape through the dancing crowd to the bar where John is sitting listening contently to your music.

You try not to let the fact that he’s enjoying it get to you.

You fail and find your heart skipping a beat as he smiles at you.

It’s hard to hear him at first, until finally he leans forward until the two of you are almost connected at the hip to talk to you. You try not to let the way that his hand is on your leg get to you. Even though you try hard to not focus on all the places he’s touching you, it’s a bit hard to not. You suppose that even after a year, he still has a huge effect on you.  
“I can’t stay much longer, but we should meet up sometime.”

You aren’t sure what to say or if you could even respond when he stands up and hands you a napkin that he’s wrote on. You look at it confused for a moment, looking at the numbers that he’s scribbled out on the flimsy material.

“I got a new phone and it changed my number. Just, call me when you want to catch up.”

With that before you can respond he leaves you with a smile and a wave. And suddenly you aren’t so sure what to think. A year has passed and yet he’s still so easy to talk to you and so easy to completely ignore how you feel. Or maybe he didn’t think you’d still feel the same.

You feel like you might throw up again.

You don’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this on Monday, but school got in the way.  
> Have some Dave freak outs to cheer you up.


	3. Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Strider was not weak.

TG: no rose you dont fucking understand okay

TT: Obviously I don’t, please enlighten me.

TG: okay shut up

TG: seriously rose after a full fucking year i just happen to run into him

TG: like what fucked up shit is that

TG: and then like he fucking decides to just give me his god damn number

TG: like i want to call his ass

TT: Don’t you?

TG: shut up

TT: Dave I fail to see the problem in this situation. Obviously John is attempting to rekindle the friendship that you both want back. I’ve told you many times before that John has wanted to talk to you, but could not find the courage to do so.

TG: yeah yeah you told me this multiple fucking times and never did he actually do it

TT: Do you really expect him to have the courage to apologize to you when he broke your heart?

TG:

TG: he still gets to me

TT: I know, Dave.

TT: I believe fully that he still is in love with you as well. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I believe what he did was in fear of the repercussions that he might have encountered with coming out about being with you.

TG: can we not talk about this

TG: please

TT: Alright. I will leave you to your own panic. Though I still believe you should call him.

TG: yeah whatever

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

You can’t believe that you actually decided to pester her about this. Especially with the notion that it might actually be helpful. It probably is helpful you just don’t want to cave into calling him. You still don’t know how you feel about running into him unexpectedly. It didn’t help that you weren’t sure why he had taken up mixing music. In fact that just reminded you more about how you didn’t really know him this last year.

You groan and think about smoking, but decide against it because even nicotine won’t help you at this point. You also think about calling your Bro. Only problem is, Dirk is probably fooling around at the shop right now, and so that’s not going to help you. You think about pestering Jade, but Jade is probably still on her stupid world tour with Jake.

Everyone was doing important things in their life except you.

There was always Terezi but she wasn’t exactly the greatest about these things. She was more of the type to just give you shit advice on purpose. Unless you were being completely serious with her, which you didn’t really want to do anytime soon. Not since that awkward moment when you found out that she was dating Karkat. Not that that should bug you. You sort of expected it, but it was still weird that she was dating the guy that John—nope not going there.

You’ll have to eventually tackle that awkward section of your life, but today is not the day. Not when you are already stressing out of the option of calling him. Which is stupid because you’ve talked to him multiple times before your fight. So what was the difference now? Oh right. The fact that you had a fight.

You huff in frustration and roll over burying your face in the pillows of your bed. This is the must frustrated you’ve been in the last year. Why was him being back in your life so god damn complicated? Oh right, because you are still in fucking love with him after a year. You almost throw your phone across the room when you hear it start ringing with the notifications of pesterchum. You really don’t want to talk to rose right now.

You groan and roll over opening pesterchum and having your heart drop into your stomach.

— ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –

EB: hey dave!

EB: oh shit, that wasn’t awkward was it?

EB: man i’m sorry. if this is awkward just tell me to check my ass and i’ll stop bugging you.

EB: dave?

TG: hey man sorry i was busy

TG: whats up

EB: not much dude, i was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime soon?

EB: ya know like catch up.

EB: it’s been a year, so like yeah.

TG: oh fuck has it been a year

TG: i didn’t even realize

TG: shit man yeah we can hang out and do shit

TG: when do you want too

EB: i don’t actually work the rest of the day and i have tomorrow off.

EB: one of those days work?

TG: i have tomorrow off so that will work

TG: i would go today but too much shit has me bogged down

EB: dude no worries! i just can’t wait to catch up again!

TG: yeah me either

TG: fuck man i gotta go 

TG: fucking oven is on fire

EB: oh shit, well yeah go get that!

EB: see ya!

— ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] —

Your oven wasn’t actually on fire. You don’t even cook. But you are so close to losing your poker face, and your heart is beating a million miles a minute, and Strider’s don’t have break downs damn it. He’s so fucking carefree about shit. You couldn’t tell him that you’ve been struggling to talk to him for a year. You can’t tell him that he’s meant so much that you are literally losing your cool right now.

God you’ve been talking to him for less than a day and already he’s wormed his way back into your heart. And he’s breaking your poker face all over again. He’s fucking good at that and you don’t want him to be because god damn it you are a Strider and Strider’s don’t fall in fucking love. You pull out your phone and start pestering Dirk.

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] –

TG: yo bro we need to talk

TG: get our brotherly feels out

TG: lay down some raps man

TG: come on bro lay me down some rad raps

TT: He contacted you didn’t he?

TG: what you think id contact you just because of that

TG: im not that fucking stupid

TT: Dave, seriously I could be working on shit that needs to get done. What do you want?

TG: i dont know what to do

TT: Well, you are going to have to give me more than that lil’ bro.

TG: he just shows up after a year

TG: and acts like nothing fucking happened

TG: and now we’re hanging out tomorrow

TG: and im not sure i can handle that

TT: Dude, you are a fucking Strider and you are letting Egbert get you into this big of a fit?

TT: Look, I know he did you pretty shitty a year ago. But have you thought about the fact that he may be trying to make up for that? That he is actually attempting to be nice to you and apologize in his own way? Dude I know that shit went down, but really man you need to let it go. Learn to forgive man.

TT: Look I have other shit to do. But you’re a fucking Strider, and you will make it out of this perfectly fine okay.

TT: Now stop making me be fucking sappy and just go woo his ass or something.

— timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] —

Dirk was never one to really sugar coat things, so he was being extra careful with you at this point. Because that’s what you needed, because after a year, after all the petty fighting the few years before that until you finally broke up, after a year you still loved John Egbert more than anything in the fucking world and it scared the shit out of you. You were pretty much the most fragile human being in the world at this point and that really wasn’t something you enjoyed.

You were a Strider, and Strider’s handled things with strength.

They weren’t weak.

So why were you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept forgetting to publish this. So if you follow me on Tumblr you have more than enough reason to bug me to publish shit.  
> Cross posted to tumblr echoingsentiment.


	4. Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it's not good to remember.

You remember the last time that you were with John before the fight. It seemed like nothing was wrong, and that it was just going to be another date for the two of you. Except it wasn’t really a date because John Egbert was “not a homosexual”. So all the times that you kissed and the times he said “I love you” weren’t really important. Everything seemed so perfect. And yet, two days later you were broken hearted and he wasn’t talking to you.

And you were trying not to remember that now, not when you and he were sitting in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start. He was chatting away about the time you had spent in the arcade together, more than positive that he was eventually going to beat you at DDR. Not likely you were pretty much king of the arcade. He had no chance.

And yet, you couldn’t help the smirk as he exclaimed that you were a cheater. Yet afterwards he laughed, that laugh that you love. This one including the adorable snort that happens when he laughs too hard. He hates it and right after his laughter dies down, there’s a light blush on his face. Not that anyone but you would be able to tell the way the skin across his cheeks barely darkened with pink. 

“Dave! Dave stop spacing out! Dave!” He snaps his fingers in front of your face and you jolt out of your thoughts. “What dude?” He sighs at you with the most exasperated look, before turning your head to the screen. “Movies starting.” You don’t respond as the theater goes dark. Not that you could really tell with your shades on. You didn’t need people freaking out about your eyes, that’s what you liked to tell yourself. Instead you didn’t want him to be able to read you like he always could. It still scared you.

You also try to ignore the fact that sometime during the movie when you are reaching for popcorn the two of your hands brush together. You looked out of the corner of your eyes to see if he had noticed, yet it seemed again like it was only you that cared. You knew that it was a lie when Rose said he was still in love with you. 

But maybe that was wrong because when things finally started getting scary, the popcorn long and forgotten on the floor, his hand slips into yours, and his face dives to your shoulder. It shocks you, when really it shouldn’t. You remember that he hates scary movies. You hate them too, but maybe you expected that fear to be gone. And since it’s not you gently squeeze his hand in reassurance, and he looks at you, his blue eyes intense and he lets out a soft smile. A piercing scream from the movie cuts the moment short as he dives back into your shoulder.  
In the end you regret agreeing to come to the movies with him.

You didn’t need him back in your life confusing your head all over again. Especially not with the lame excuses he was naming off about holding your hand during the movie. “It wasn’t even really that scary.” Says the guy who spent half the movie buried in your shoulder whimpering. You thought it was pretty scary. But then again you hated scary movies and it was all you could do to not dive into the others shoulder too. 

But he didn’t need to know that.

“Dave! Let’s go out drinking!” 

“What?”

He smiles at you, laughing and nodding excitedly. “Let’s go have a round!” You can’t remember the last time you’d had a beer. Or even had a drink. You’d given it up after what happened. When you’d drown yourself daily, before you switched to nicotine.

Mentioning that as soon as the cold air hits the two of you outside you light up and start smoking.

“Come on please?”

You look at him sighing. “Alright yeah, we’ll go. Let me finish this first.”

You didn’t start smoking until after your fight. And now you couldn’t kick the habit. Then again you also got pierced after he left you. You like to think that it was because of the fact that you were trying to piss him off. In the end it just made you hurt more. 

And why were you remembering all this now?

Probably because of the way that he’s looking at you. You don’t let him know you’re looking, you’re shades are on, so he probably doesn’t even realize it. But he’s watching with fascination. And you can’t help but feel almost proud that you’ve caught his attention again. Maybe it’s the way that the smoke swirls up and out into the cold air. Or maybe it’s the way that your lips curl around the cigarette that attracts him. But whatever it is, he can’t take his eyes off you. 

You only wish that it was because he still loved you and not the fact you had a new habit.

“Alright. Let’s go Egbert.” You snuff out your cigarette and toss it onto the pavement.

“When did you start smoking Dave?” 

“Last May.”

“Oh.”

And that’s all there is to say on the matter as the two of you continue in silence walking to his car. He had been more than excited to hang with you, picking you up in his car; a freaking 2009 BMW with less than 10,000 miles on it the spoiled gay brat, and then invading your apartment space. You spent like an hour there deciding on a movie, more than worried he’d find your apartment disgusting even though you’d cleaned. He didn’t say anything, but insisted you show up to the movie almost two hours early for “good seats and the arcade, duh!”. 

And now? Now the two of you were at a bar down the street from your apartment, trying to out drink one another. John was always better at drinking than you, and so it was no surprise when you backed out on your fourth shot, and he continued. 

“Dave, you’re such a wimp.” He slurred at you as you hoisted him over your shoulder and tried walking him down to your apartment.

“Yeah and you’re the dumbass that got drunk on the first day that we’ve hung out.” Fucking genius he was.

“S’ ‘cause I missed you.” He giggles a bit, his face flushed pink from the drinking, and you sigh, heaving him up the stairs towards your apartment. 

“Yeah, yeah I missed you too, but that didn’t mean I got drunk. Swear to god Egbert I don’t remember you being this bad.” In fact this was the worst you’ve ever seen him, the other not really a time you’d like to remember.

“S’ ‘cause I didn’t drink without you around. Too lonely.” His breath smells like a mix of your dinner and beer which wasn’t a good combination. This was more than you signed up for as you opened up your door and he stumbled in before falling onto the couch.

“You can stay tonight but you are keeping your ass in here got it?” He doesn’t respond and for a moment you panic and think that maybe he’s actually died from too much alcohol. Until he shifts on the couch and rolls over, already asleep. Fucking dork.

You sigh, taking off your coat and wrapping a blanket around him before walking into your bedroom and to your computer.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

TG: hes drunk at my house rose

TG: hes on my fucking couch drunk

TT: Is he now? That’s most unfortunate.

TG: 

TG: i dont know what to do rose

TT: Dave, all I can tell you is to let it ride out. Today has probably been harder for him than you, just let him feel guilty about it in the morning.

TG: yeah alright

TG: im gonna mix music or some shit

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

You didn’t end up doing that. Instead you lay on your bed, starring at the ceiling. You must have laid there for hours before you hear John get up and get a glass of water. You wait to hear him go lay back down but instead you hear a faint knock on your door, and you look over to see him standing there, jacket off, and in just his boxers and a shirt. Guess he changed before he got a drink of water. 

“Sup?” You look at the other, shades gone by now, yourself in a shirt and boxers. He looks at you, eyes drooping from sleep and he mumbles something you can’t quite make out. Turns out he wasn’t mumbling anything he was just getting ready to talk.

“I can’t sleep. I’m scared.” He looks at you with the most pathetic look, and you’re taken back to when you were sixteen and he visited for the first time. You’d watched a scary movie, and he was sleeping on the couch before coming in and curling up with you in bed because he was scared. You gulp, mouth feeling dry.

“Yeah?” It’s more of a question then a statement, and he nods. You blink, taking in a deep breath and nod. “Alright come on.” Wordlessly he comes in and climbs into the bed with you, curling up next to your side and laying his head on the pillow next to yours. He’s shorter than you, so he curls his body towards yours as he pulls the blankets over the both of you.

You can tell he’s not fully sober yet, but soon his head lands on your chest, and your heart drops into your stomach. It’s a hollow feeling, there’s nothing good about this. You don’t admit that you’ve started running your fingers through his hair. This isn’t right. It’s been two days since you caught up and yet he’s in your bed, curled against you, mumbling things in his sleep that are breaking your heart.

“Love you Dave…”

For a moment you think he might be awake, but then he shifts again and continues sleeping. He was just sleep talking. Your heart breaks. It feels like everything about your life has come shattering all around you.

You don’t admit that you’ve started to cry, even when the tears start to wet your face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I legitimately started out this chapter with a more fluffy intention, but then started thinking about it and decided it didn't have enough sad. So I added more.


	5. Possiblities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff.

It’s been three weeks since you fell asleep with him on your chest. You woke up the next morning, and he was gone, a plate of pancakes on your table with a note:

i’m sorry i passed out here.

i have work though, but i’ll call you later.

hope you enjoy the pancakes.

Since then he hasn’t been over, but you have talked and hung out. It’s almost like the year or so apart didn’t matter. Though you could do without the flashbacks. Ever since that night, you’ve had flashbacks of the 9 years that you’ve been on and off together. You’d be friends long before that, since you were 13. Yet, those were easier times then when the two of you got together at 16.

And that’s where the flashbacks started.

Taking you through every day that you’ve ever spent with him and then some. And sometimes you don’t mind, they are fond memories. But then there are times when you remember the things that caused you to stop seeing each other, those times you usually wake up with a start and text Rose. Or you check your inbox to see how he’s left you a goodnight text with a stupid heart.

“Dave seriously are you even paying attention?” He looks at you with a frustrated look and you nod before taking another puff off your cigarette. Today the two of you are out and about doing whatever. You brought your camera and you’ve been watching John freak out about the way that the coffee shop you just visited decided to design their coffee cups.

He didn’t think they were cool enough for Washington.

“So where are we going next?”

“Dunno,” You take the last drag and flick your cigarette into the nearest trashcan after snuffing it out “Let’s go to a park or something, I wanna see if I can’t get some good shots of tourists.”

He rolls his eyes, but you catch the upwards motion the corners of his lips make. He’s being a dork. 

It’s not really a problem that he’s being a dork, because at the park the only person you snap photos of is him. You haven’t fallen back into the habit gracefully, but then again, the two of you are still tip-toeing around the fact that neither of you have actually talked about what happened. It’s not a problem, other than you don’t know if when he touches you accidently he feels the same sparks you did.

You aren’t really sure if he ever did.

“Hey Dave, you don’t have work tomorrow do you?” He’s stuffing his face with a pretzel he bought from the nearby stand. “Nah. I DJ tonight though.” It’s as if you’ve lit up his whole entire world, because his eyes widen and get brighter as he smiles like a goof. “Can I come?”

Could he come. You know the answer will be yes, but you weren’t sure if you wanted him to see you. You wanted to premiere a new mix that you’d been working on ever since John came back into your life. In a way you didn’t want him to come, because what if he realized the mix was for him?

“I guess you can come. But I won’t get done till 3 in the morning, you sure?” He nods enthusiastically and smiles.

“Mind if I crash at your place then?”

Yes. Yes you mind.

“Nah it’s cool.”

Okay so maybe you don’t mind as much as you think you do. You are just worried he won’t crash on the couch and will fumble into your bed again. Still, the two of you spend the rest of the day goofing off (you using up two more rolls of film just on him), before you finally head to get ready by 9. He’s excited to hear you DJ again, and you feel almost as if your DJ-ing has to be at its top performance.

“What are you planning to do while I’m on stage?”

“Flirt with all the women who want to be your girl.”

“Whatever Egbert.”

You’re a little pissed that he wants to flirt, but he’s laughing and then pushing you lightly with his shoulder as you two head in. 

“I’m going to be listening and watching dumbass. I didn’t ask to come to flirt. ‘Sides I’ve already got my mind on someone.”

You nod, ignoring the sudden drop of your heart to your stomach. That’s right, you two hadn’t talked about anything, so he might actually be dating someone. Maybe this meant that it was time for you to actually move on. You aren’t really sure you could move on if you tried, but you probably should. Still it’s not like you are ready to move on. Not when you know he’s the one and he’s been the one your whole damn life.

He stands with you as you set up before bro-fisting you and sitting down as the club fills. You find that for the first time in ages you are really worried about mixing, and so when you start your hands are sweaty and you feel like you might vomit. But you block everything out, headphones on, hands flipping switches, and you fade from being Dave to being a god of music.

You don’t take a break once.

You work through the full 8 hour shift without a break, too scared to see what John was doing, not that you didn’t follow his every movement with your eyes. You’d expected him to be flirting, but instead most the time he was listening happily, when he wasn’t texting.

At 3 when you got off, you were tired and ready to sleep, and the idea of Egbert being with you wasn’t really welcome.

“Hey Dave…” He pauses as you light up and head back to your car.

“Yeah?” You look at him for a moment, confused by the light blush on his face, something that you’ve seen more than once but that you never get used too. You’ll never get used to the way that it lights up the freckles on his cheeks. He looks at you and then shakes his head. 

“It’s nothing.”

The ride back to your apartment is quiet, filled mainly with soft background music through your radio. The puffs of smoke you watch rise out of your rolled down window seem to take your thoughts before finally you’re done and at your apartment. He’s yawning as you open the apartment door letting both of you in before closing and locking it again.

“Hey Dave…” Again he looks at you for a moment as the two of you put up your coats. You hum to let him know you are listening, but that’s not enough for him, as he pulls your arm towards him so that you have to look at him.

“I’m sorry.” He pauses and your heart has jumped up in rate. He bites his lower lip, before looking at you right in the eyes through your shades, those blue eyes damning you to hell. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t talked to you in over a year, and I don’t want to lose you anymore as a friend. I’ve missed you. And I’ve missed you as more than a friend. And just, Dave… I’m sorry.” You feel numb. How are you supposed to feel?

“You left me.”

“I know.”

“You cheated on me.”

“I know.”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know I just. I’m sorry. Can we start over…?”

“Start over as what exactly?”

“Go out with me.”

He doesn’t let you answer. Instead he leans forward and kisses you, and all those feelings that you’ve been holding back collapse all at once and you spring forward, cupping his face and kissing him back with a year of pent up feelings. His arms wrap around you and he’s kissing back just as intensely and god you’ve missed this and you’ve missed him and before you know it you’ve broken the kiss and you’re crying all over again, and he’s crying too.

“I missed you… fuck I missed you.” He’s carding his fingers through your hair and nodding.

“I missed you too…”

For the first time it feels like maybe this will work out. It’s been on and off for 9 years, but you’ve got a feeling this time he means it when he says he loves you. The two of you talk over and over in your bed, cuddled together on purpose this time. He talks about all that he did the year apart, all the times he’s wanted more than anything to find where you’d moved too after the two of you broke up.

You kiss more times than you can count. And when he finally yawns and lays his head down on your chest, you smile when you hear him say, “I’ve never stopped loving you Dave.”  


“Neither have I.”

You fall asleep with a smile on your face, his hand wrapped together with yours.

You think this might actually work out this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally had the worst time figuring out how I wanted this chapter to go. Also, I should warn everyone this will probably be a 30 or 40 chapter fanfiction, so really be prepared.
> 
> The increased pace of this chapter is supposed to make you feel uneasy as if something is not right.
> 
> It’s not supposed to feel as if it fits.
> 
> There’s a reason for this, so when it makes you feel uncomfortable you’re doing good.


	6. Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stop me.

“Hey Dave, do you like anyone?”

“Why does it matter?”

You groan as he shrugs, pulling on his pajama pants, flashing his stupid braces as you. You are sixteen and for the first time ever your crush has come over to your house to spend the summer with you in Texas. Of course, he doesn’t know that you have a crush on him, and you don’t plan on telling him.

“I was just wondering who you were interested in.”

“No one important.” Just you. The person of your dreams. He sighs and you feel bad as his eyes lose their glint and without thinking you blurt it out. “I like you John. I have a crush on you.” And fuck your face just lit up a million different colors, and this was the first time that you’ve done it because he didn’t smile for you. 

You didn’t expect an answer, but the answer you got came in the form of sore lips with scratches from braces. You two spent the summer together happily, and when he went back to Washington the two of you were boyfriends, and you stayed that way until college.

Then everything went to hell.

You wake up with a start, another stupid flashback of your past. You shift and feel the body beside you moving towards you again. You smile fondly but then feel the dull ache of the past hitting you again. It’s been a few weeks since you forgave him. And nothing bad has happened, but you still feel uneasy. In fact you remember what Rose had said when you told her what happened.

TG: i just i dont know what overcame me i just forgave him

TG: ive missed him so much

TG: but i dont know how this is going to work

TT: Just because I said that he still loved you Dave doesn’t mean you forgive him the moment he apologizes. He needs to earn it Dave. I don’t even think he’s prepared for this.

TT: As much as I’d like to believe in our dear friend, I still believe he’s not ready to tell you full out what is going on in his life. 

TT: Until he does that, your relationship will be strained. And you can’t lie to me and say that you forgive him for cheating on you with Karkat and Vriska, can you?

TG:

TG: no

TT: And you probably haven’t told him what happened when the two of you broke up. Dave I thought for sure that we were going to lose you.

TG: its different now

TG: im different

TT: As much as I firmly believe that I don’t want to see you like that ever again. It was scary for me Dave and I’m being honest right now.

TT: Dirk freaked out too, and Jade went off on John who didn’t know.

TT: How long had it been since you’d even had an anxiety attack?

TT: They didn’t start back up until he broke up with you.

TG: im fine okay

TG: well work it out or something

TG: i dunno i just know im not ending up like that again

TT: For your sake and his, I hope that you can confront him soon.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –

Yeah right, confront John about what, everything that happened in the past. There was a lot to confront. And you weren’t really ready for that. In fact you weren’t ready for a lot of stuff, especially the possibility of having to explain why you have bottles of Klonopin around your apartment. Not to mention some of the other pills in your stash.

You haven’t had to use them for over a year now. But that uneasy feeling in your stomach won’t go away, and you are worried that you are going to lose yourself again.

Ever since age 5 you had really bad anxiety attacks. They were caused a lot by the bullying from kids at school about your eyes when you didn’t have your glasses. It took about two weeks before you were pulled out of public schooling and home schooled by Bro with help from Dirk. He was 8, and was experiencing the same bullying but without the anxiety attack.

After you met Jade, Rose and John you stopped having the attacks, and were able to go completely off your medication. Until of course John and you went to college.

It’s not like he was a horrible boyfriend.

He wasn’t.

He was great when he wanted to be. He cared about you, and he was always concerned. However he never liked the public implications of your relationship. And always denied the two of you had anything going on together. You didn’t know why, at all. And whenever you got angry about it he got the saddest look on his face and apologized. 

You suspect it has something to do with the Crocker fortune, which is split between John and Jane who live pretty well off. But what that had to do with why he denied you were together you couldn’t place.

Yet the more he got called out on dating you, the more skittish he got. Until he cheated on you with Vriska. You two broke up for a year, and you watched him date Vriska and enjoy the shit out of it. Finally they broke up, and he came crawling back to you apologizing and saying that, “it was for our relationship I swear”. 

For some reason you forgave him.

The time that he cheated on you with Karkat never made since to you, and still doesn’t. Again, he said it was “for our relationship I swear”. And you forgave him.

It was the way that he looked into your eyes and you could almost feel the pull in your soul to forgive him.

The saying of only one second chance didn’t exactly apply to John Egbert.

“Dave…?”

You shift out of your thoughts and look over as John scoots closer and curls up under your arm and on your chest. He lets out a yawn and looks at you with sleepy blue eyes, black hair falling into them lightly. Brushing a few strands away from his eyes you hum.

“Are you going to get up or can we sleep longer? I’m tired. We can go out on our date anytime. I wanna sleep more.” Even as he says it his eyes are slipping back closed.  
Times like this make you smile because it’s simple. He’s happy and you are happy too.

“Yeah I don’t mind.”

He hums back at you and you kiss the top of his head before curling against him and pulling the blankets over the two of you. He latches onto you like a child, and makes a noise of contentment as the two of you adjust together. He falls back asleep easily, leaving you awake for mere moments before sleeping again as well.

Hopefully this time you wouldn’t have flashbacks.

You wake up a few hours later, to him making you breakfast in bed. He wasn’t a bad boyfriend, especially when he did stuff like this. So as the two of you eat in silence over a plate of waffles, you don’t really think anything other than the fact that you are happy. It’s the first time that you’ve been this happy in a while, yet at the same time it’s an empty happy.

It doesn’t feel right, and you are pretty sure you are in the middle of finding out.

“John?”

“Karkat?”

“Dave?”

“Terezi?”

Blast from the fucking past fuck. You and John were having dinner at the Italian place down the street from your apartment. The food kind of sucked, but you were with John so it didn’t really matter. You never would have thought that fucking Karkat of all people would be here with Terezi. Since when did Terezi not tell you she was in town.

Wait, probably because she was with Karkat.

“Hey… so, I haven’t heard from you in a while John.” Karkat is smiling at John, Terezi standing arm in arm with him so she doesn’t bump into someone without her cane. John’s only half smiling, and you’ve got a bad feeling about this in the pit of your stomach.

“Uh, yeah I’ve been around. I’ve been busy.”

“The last I heard you were almost disin—”

“Oh! What are you doing with Terezi Karkat?” That feeling grew as John cut Karkat off quickly, who looked confused for a moment, before looking at you. You feel his eyes go soft, and he looks almost as if he’s in pain at seeing you and suddenly you feel like throwing up. 

“We just got out from our table. We were on a date to go see the new movie that came out today. Are you and Dave on a date too?”

“Me and Dave, dating? No way! We’re just hanging out like old friends, catching up and stuff.”

It’s a sour taste that enters your mouth as John continues talking about how the two of you are just friends. How he’s looking finding out good places to ‘scope out chicks’. You feel the bile coming up and you stand. You feel yourself coming apart at the seams. He was using you all over again, you weren’t together. You were just friends.

John “not a homosexual” Egbert.

You push past the others and storm out of the building not even paying attention when he calls you to come back. Already you feel your heartbeat racing, your breath shortening. You are on the edge of an anxiety attack for the first time in a year and you are scrambling for your phone to send a message to Rose.

TG: rose he did it im just a tool to him

TG: im nothing

TG: im nothing

You feel tears sliding down your face as you shake, before you hear him yelling at you from behind. You don’t want to turn around, but you do.

He’s panting, holding onto his coat and you can see his breath come out in puffs.

“Dave wait, you have to let me explain.”

“Explain what!?” Your voice cracks and raises in tone. “Explain that you John Egbert are in love with me, but you aren’t a homosexual? That you sleep with me every night, but you aren’t a homosexual. But wait I guess because we’ve never ever had sex you aren’t a homosexual are you John? You just like to kiss and say you love me when really you are just using me as pity! You are using me to fill that stupid little empty place in your heart when you are alone!”

You’re crying and your fists are balled and you are so close to punching him in the face. He’s looking at you with this hurt look and you don’t care anymore he’s done doing this to you.

“John fucking Egbert everyone! Using his best fucking friend, wait, ex best fucking friend, as a way to fill his empty fucking heart when he needs it. Well you know what? I’m fucking done John okay! I’m done this was your last fucking chance damn it! I’m so done with you I don’t want this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. You’re a fucking dick! I hope to god you get hit by a car or something!” You don’t hope he gets hit by a car.

You just want him to say he loves you.

You want him to say he misses you.

You want him to say, “Dave, I’ll marry you.”

You want him to say “I’m your soul mate, we’ll always be together.”

You want him to say, “I’m sorry.”

“Dave…”

He only says your name.

“No John, okay. No fucking no I don’t want to hear it anymore. I don’t want to hear your god damn excuses about why you can’t date me and why we can’t be together and all your bullshit lies okay!”

“Dave please!”

“No John! I fucking hate you!”

Even as you say it you regret it, the tears rolling down your face as the words hit him like a brick wall. He reels back like you’ve slapped him, in a way you have. He reaches out with his hand before thinking the best of it.

“I’m done John. Lose my fucking number. Lose my fucking address. I don’t ever want to see you again. Not after this. This was your last fucking chance.”

It’s not. 

Stop me. 

Stop me. 

Stop me.

That’s what you repeat in your head as you turn away.

Stop me.

Stop me.

Stop me.

Stop me.

He doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually cried as I wrote this. Oops.


	7. Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you shouldn't wish for something.

There’s a pounding in your head and you are pretty sure that the last thing you remember was passing out in your bed, but you are most defiantly not in your bed. It’s too hard, and it’s too cold to be your bed. 

Plus you smell cleaning supplies and vomit. What was the last thing you were doing?

Right.

John had fucked up again, and you’d lost all motivation to do anything, and so you started drinking again. The last thing you remember was angrily calling Rose drunk and saying you were done with life. You groan and move lightly opening your eyes only to close them from the brightness of the room you are in.

“Fuck.”

You groan, and are surprised when you hear a chuckle.

“Finally awake sleeping beauty.”

God damn it. You almost want to sink back into unconsciousness because really a visit from Dirk was the last thing you needed right now. Not when things were so hard for you and John was still fresh in your mind. But maybe that’s why he showed up.

“Dirk, don’t be an ass to him. He’s still hung over.”

Oh fuck. Rose was here too, which meant that it was a family intervention. Just what you needed the morning after getting shit faced drunk. How did they even get into your apartment. You groan and try moving, but instead just collapse back down on the cold floor of your bathroom. 

“How did you even get in?”

You hear Rose pattering away in the kitchen, probably fixing up the cure to your hang over. Dirk of course is probably hanging over the door arms crossed, smirk on his face. Of course it’s probably his concerned smirk. Which just makes you feel all the worse than you already feel. You only remember a hazy bit of what you said to Rose, but she probably freaked out. You haven’t been to work in almost 3 weeks now, and you’ve stopped DJ-ing. You stopped paying bills too, yet those mysteriously worked themselves out and you are pretty sure Rose and Dirk have something to do with that. 

There’s a lot that’s been happening since you stopped seeing John. He’s tried calling, he’s tried knocking on your door, he’s left notes, he’s apologized through the door when he knew you were home. Somehow you’d hoped that maybe his apologies would help you forgive him, but they didn’t. You didn’t want to be second choice to him, just another fling for his journey down sexuality lane.

You can’t even be mad at him anymore.

“Am I dead yet?”

“No. Still alive bro.”

“Can I die?”

“Nope. Not allowed.”

You sigh, and Dirk matches your sigh with one of his own. He leans forward from what you can tell and pulls you up by the arm, before slinging you over his shoulder. You don’t say anything, and neither does he, and nothing really needs to be said. He’s your brother, he’s someone that cares about your wellbeing whether you’ve screwed yourself or not. You don’t have to talk about what’s going on, but you know Rose will ask. And you know that you’ll answer.

It’s been years since you tried keeping everything in, and at this point, Rose and Dirk are the only people you can trust to actually know how you feel about things. And it’s not that you don’t want to talk about it, you do, but it physically hurts to talk about how much pain you are in. And they understand, they really do.

You keep your eyes closed as he drags you through to your couch and plops you down. Finally you open your eyes as Rose shoves a mug of coffee into your hands. A nod says thank you as you sip down the hot liquid and cringe. Hang overs are the worst, and you still don’t know why they are here.

“When’d you come in?”

You rub your temples as they both sit down across from you in chairs from the kitchen. Intervention is a go evidently. Rose stirs a cup of her own coffee, doctored with milk and sugar, and sighs lightly.

“We arrived last night at 7:00 p.m. to find you passed out on your bed.” She pauses as if letting you have a moment to possibly defend yourself, but you don’t. “I cleaned house as Dirk threw you into the bathroom to throw up after you were so out of it that you confessed that you sometimes still sleep with that teddy bear mom bought you when you were 5.”

Blow to the damn pride you own when she spills that. Of course her remedies are never the nicest things in the world. Dirk is looking at you shades on, and he’s tapping his fingers along the back of his chair. Rose stirs her coffee. You know that they are waiting for you to come clean. You don’t really know if you are ready. Instead you sip your coffee.

The silence lasts for a few moments, not awkward, just moments of silence of understanding.

“He said we weren’t dating to Karkat.” Your voice sounds worse than you thought now that you are a bit sober. “Karkat popped into the place we were visiting on our date, and asked about how John was. He then asked about me, and this look of utter pity came onto his face like I was something to be pitied. And John of course blew it off and said we were just catching up. Old friends catching up. That morning during breakfast in bed, he said he loved me. And then he said we weren’t dating to Karkat. That he was finding places to scope out chicks. Yet he loved me. And I don’t know why I ever believed that he did, because it’s like with Vriska all over again. And I don’t understand why he does this.” You hate this, you have to spill it all to them before they’ll leave and so you want to get it over with.

“I don’t understand why I let him do this.” And you don’t and so you just sigh, and shrug closing your eyes and wishing you had your shades. The shades he got you. Maybe you should get rid of them, but even thinking about that makes your stomach feel empty and your chest feel tight. Rose and Dirk let out a sigh.

“You let him do it because Striders have a way of falling in love with one person and one person only bro.” Dirk gives you a soft smile and nods. “Look at me and Jake dude. As much as he’s done to me and I’m still with him. It’s part of the Strider problem. Fall in love once, and you fall in love forever.”

You wish that he was lying, but you know he’s telling the truth. Rose of course is frowning and stirring her coffee angrily. 

“I just wish he’d tell you the truth. That would fix all of this. But of course I can’t say anything because it’s not my place to apologize to you for him. He just needs to come out about everything that’s going on.” She stops stirring and pulls out her phone, angrily typing out a message and ignoring the questioning look you happen to be giving her.

“What do you mean the truth?” She sighs, and puts her phone away before stirring again.

“There is a reason, and a good one, to why he denies the two of you are dating. Why he’s denied it the whole life of your relationship. And everyone but you knows why and that’s why everyone looks at you with this pitying look because all of us know that he’s trying his hardest to be a good boyfriend but he’s going about it all wrong and frankly I am getting frustrated with him.”

“Hold up, he’s a good boyfriend? Have you seen what he’s done to me? I’m practically living in my own filth because of the fact that he’s broken my heart multiple times.” You were getting angry.

“Yes I know that Dave, but I’m saying that he has a good reason. And I swear to god if he doesn’t tell you why today I’m going to kill him.” She’s angrily typing on her phone again, and is in the middle of another angry text when your own phone rings in your pocket.

You don’t recognize the number, so you ignore it and let the call go to voicemail. As soon as it goes to voicemail the number is dialing again. And again. Finally frustrated you pick up the phone and answer.

“What?”

“Are you Dave Strider?” The voice isn’t one you recognize but you hear an ambulance siren in the background.

“Yes, why?”

“You were the most recent call from the phone of the victim of an accident. This number was the only number we could retrieve before the phone died. Your friend has been in a pretty bad accident and is on the way to the hospital. We were wondering if you could tell us information about him?”

Your whole entire being goes cold and Rose’s hand flies over her mouth.

“Wh-What do they look like…?” Your voice isn’t cracking, and you aren’t shaking.

“He’s got black hair, blue eyes, glasses, pretty tall and on the average size of weight. He was in the middle of a phone call to you when he was hit. This was the only number we could retrieve. We need you to come to Mercy West Hospital downtown to help answer some questions about him.”

“Around his neck, is there a necklace with a symbol around his neck that’s blue?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

You hang up the phone shaking, and you look at Rose and Dirk, Rose who’s understood and Dirk who’s body has gone stiff. 

“John’s been hit in an accident.”

Even as the words come out of your mouth you regret them. That was the last thing you said to him, to get hit by a car. You wish you could turn back time. You can’t. That’s not something you can do. Maybe one time you could, in a different life. But you can’t turn back time.

And John is dying.

He’s dying.

And the last thing you said was I hate you.

And I hope you get hit by a car.

You never get what you hope for, why now?

John is dying.

And it's all your fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to publish a different chapter than this, that probably fit better, but I changed my mind and inserted this one because I didn't like the progression in the other.


	8. Strife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a meaning behind every action.

John’s always been the best friend you could have had. He always cared about you, stood up for you, and tried his hardest to keep you happy. When he found out about your shades, and the real reason you wore them, he was more than happy to give you another pair. Of course they had his stupid favorite movie reference. It was funny when after he lost the love for Con Air he would complain about the fact that he had done something so stupid. It wasn’t stupid, it was something you thought was endearing. It always made your heart flutter.

You bought his necklace, as he bought yours when you first started dating. They were symbols that you had sketched out from your dreams. For some reason they reminded you of Wind and Time. Which didn’t surprise you, because John always had a way of reminding you of air. He said you always reminded him of a time turner. So you’d both pitched in to make necklaces of them, and given them to each other. You’d never taken it off, and neither did he. Even when the two of you broke up. It was something that meant a lot to you.

When you first broke up, you and he both got your first tattoos. Separately of course. And it was funny because when you found out what you both had done, it was as if you were meant to do it. You’d gotten a series of crows up your right forearm to your shoulder where they tapered into feathers. He’d gotten a time piece up his shoulder, music notes tied in. It was funny because the feathers that tapered off around your shoulders formed his own symbol on his necklace. Just like his time piece formed yours.

The two of you have had such an impact on each other’s lives that no one was really surprised when you both ended up back together. It’s like every time you fight you’ve forgotten what he’s done for you and in a way you think that’s horrible because he’s done so much good that it should make up for the bad. You shouldn’t feel like this. 

But as you wait outside the Emergency Room with a group of people that you thought you knew (minus Dirk and Rose) you start to wonder where your actual loyalties lie. The news that John was hit by a car, a drunk driver no less, spread fast. You, Rose and Dirk got there first. Karkat and Terezi followed. His Dad and Jane were next. Jade and Jake were currently on a plane to get here as fast as possible. Roxy was on her way for support for Jane, and Kanaya was on her way for Rose. No one else wanted to make the call to anyone else; the only people John were close to were in the room. And as much as everyone else was worried, it seemed like you were the one freaking out the most. And people were taking notice.

You were holding his broken phone in your hands, his necklace hanging from your fingers, and you were nursing your fifth coffee since you got there, which was less than an hour ago. You’d think that his Dad and Jane would be more worried than you, but they didn’t tell him they hoped he got hit by a car. They didn’t tell him that they hated him. You should have been comforting them, but yet Jane was sitting next to you, hand on your shoulder patting gently.

His dad was next to you, chewing on his pipe (of course he couldn’t smoke it was a hospital) and his head was down. Occasionally he would look at you and smile, before whispering that it would be alright. You should have been comforting him. Yet he was comforting you, even though he didn’t know that the two of you ever dated. That was something John kept a secret. You could say a lot of things to them, but instead you watch as the time ticks by, and slowly everyone else falls in. Jade and Jake arrive 3 hours after you got the call, able to get there quickly due to a private jet. Kanaya was next flying in from New York, she got there around the same time Jade and Jake did, along with Roxy who also caught a ride with Kanaya on Rose’s private plane. Everyone and the fact that they had money.

It’s not like you were dirt poor, you had money, well, Bro had money. He ran that stupid puppet porn site and earned a shit ton of money. It was for him though, for a “rainy day” was what he said. So while you had money, Bro kept most of it for emergencies, so you and Dirk earned your own money. John on the other hand, he and Jane had money from Crocker Corporation. Though currently it was run by that bitch.

After their Nana died, the stupid corporation went to a long lost owner who happened to be in line for the corporation before John and Jane. So of course, the two of them were currently fighting for their inheritance. They acted like it wasn’t a big deal, but you knew that it was. In fact it was a huge deal and Jane and John were doing their best to deal with the fact that the bitch owner was trying to cut them out of their inheritance.

Where the fuck was the doctor and why the fuck were they taking so long? Fuck you need a drink, and more than anything you really need to just stop worrying but that’s not going to happen. You nurse your tenth coffee so far, mumbling with your brother about needing a drink.

“Dude, come with me.”

“What?”

“Dave, just come with me.”

You try not to think too much of the fact that Dirk is looking at you with a glare, or what you suppose is a glare behind his shades. You don’t question, but you put your coffee down and follow him. He leads you outside away from the building, and stands for a minute looking down like he’s thinking. You aren’t prepared for when his fist hits your face. You stumble and your fingers twist into a ball making a fist. 

“What the literal fuck Dirk!”

He doesn’t say anything he just swings again and you dodge to the side. He comes after you quick like usual and you jump around him, swinging yourself and landing a fist to his stomach. The two of you continue about this until he has you pinned down, your glasses both knocked off long ago. His arm is pressing into your neck hard, cutting off your air supply just enough to make you light headed, and he glares at you.

“If you love him so much go after him.” You’re dumbfounded when he says this.

“W-What?” He rolls his eyes and sighs.

“If you love John as much as you do, then why the fuck are you letting him go? If you really love him, stop fighting with him and make the relationship work. Stop being a pussy Dave.”

The anger rises inside you and you roll him over landing on top of him and you slam a fist next to his face.

“It’s not that easy damn it!” 

It’s really not that easy, there are too many things that are going on between the two of you that you don’t know what to do. How can you fix something if it was never meant to be.

“It’s easier than you think! Stop being a pussy and man up and make it work!” He lands a punch to your face again, and you spit out blood to the side of him.

“Fuck you.” You stand up and push away, slipping your hands into your pockets. “It’s not that easy.”

“If you love him as much as you say you do, then you wouldn’t give up so easy.”

He doesn’t say anything as he walks back into the hospital wiping blood off of his mouth after putting back on his shades. You sigh and fiddle with the cigarettes in your pocket, spitting out blood before deciding against it. You pick up your shades and put them back on before walking back into the hospital. 

No one says anything as nurses come over to you freaked out about the fact that you just got in a fight with your brother. He’s being worked on by nurses against his will, and so you let them bandage you up as well. _“If you love him as much as you say you do, then you wouldn’t give up so easy.”_ His words play in your head and you sigh, sitting down away from everyone else, fingering with John’s necklace and phone again. It’s been 5 hours. What the hell.

“Are you all waiting for news on John Egbert?”

Your blood runs ice cold, and your heart drops into the pit of your stomach. His dad nods, looking at the doctor with a worried look. He smiles and so you hope that it’s good news.

“Well he was lucky. At the last moment of the crash it seems like there was a gust of wind that tossed him to the side so he wasn’t pinned under the car. He has a couple of fractured ribs, and we had to take him into surgery to stop some of the bleeding he endured. He’ll be sore, and he’ll have a pretty big scar on his stomach. Right now he’s in recovery, but you all can go see him. Of course, it’ll have to be a few of you. He’s not awake yet, but he should be up soon.”

There’s a collective group sigh from everyone, and there’s talking about who should go in first, who should he wake up too. Of course everyone decides his dad and Jane, and so you feel like now is the time you should go home and check out. You want to see him more than anything, but you don’t want to impose. You stand and make your way to the door, when you’re stopped by a hand. Turning you see his dad smiling at you.

“I know everyone said that we should go in first, but John sees enough of us daily. You should go see him first. We’ll wait out here.”

You can’t speak, he wants you to see his son first?

“W-What no… I can’t.”

“David, I know that this is important to you. Please. Go see him.”

You look for a moment at the hand that’s still holding desperately to his necklace, and you nod. His dad smiles and turns the two of you towards the doctor who takes you and leads you to John’s room. You look back at the group of them, all starring at you some smiling, some looking sad. You can’t really bring yourself to care other than to watch the doctor lead you up to John’s room.

“Stay as long as you need.”

He smiles, and you nod, stepping into the room. A private room of course, nothing little for the precious heir to the Crocker Corporation. John looks almost serene as the moonlight from outside filters in through the window. You don’t turn on the harsh hospital lights, instead you pull up a chair close to his bed, and you reach for his hand. You think twice about it, but reach for it despite what your doubts.

Your shades come off, sitting on the table next to you, and you look at him for a moment, trying so desperately to understand why he makes you feel the things he does. Instead, you lean your head down and kiss his hand, holding onto it desperately as you feel tears falling from your eyes. You were supposed to be emotional, you never even cried until you met John. You were supposed to be cool, but he saw through that and knew that you were a dork. 

You fall asleep half on his bed, head leaning down, hand gripped in his.

You don’t sleep well, the dreams are odd and scary and in them John dies, and then comes back to life but as a god. And it’s those dreams that made you scared in the first place. You twitch in your sleep and wake up to the feeling of fingers caressing your hair. You shift, and the fingers fall from your scalp, and you look up.

John’s smiling at you softly, smiling that beautiful smile of his, and you feel your heart breaking. A tear falls down your cheek and he reaches up and wipes it away. “Don’t be sad Dave, I’m going to be fine silly.” You want to cry but instead you crack a smile and close your eyes leaning into his touch.

“I love you.” It’s a whisper on your lips but you kiss the inside of his wrist and look at him, beyond happy that he’ll be okay.

“I love you too.” 

You want to ask him more about what’s going on, why he can’t date you, why the two of you have so many problems, but you don’t. Instead he scoots over and pats the side of the bed next to him. You slip off your shoes and jacket, climbing into the bed with him, and he settles onto your chest as comfortably as you can. You drape your jacket over him and slip his necklace back around his neck. 

He kisses your hand gently. There are a thousand different things you want to say at this moment, but you don’t say anything. Instead you close your eyes and hum him to sleep.

_“I love you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crossposted to [tumblr](http://echoingsentiment.tumblr.com/post/46737756315/degrees-of-separation-chapter-8-strife) as always.


	9. A Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can't keep soul mates apart.

The weather has gotten colder, well for Washington at least. It’s mid-October, and you and John haven’t talked much since you saw him in the ER. After you two cuddled on the bed, the next morning you left without notice. He didn’t call, and no one really asked you to visit. You’d left him that morning with a kiss to the forehead and admitting to yourself that the relationship wasn’t healthy and really, things needed to change if anything was ever going to change between the two of you.

Sure you loved him. You loved him more than anyone you know, because he was your dork. He was the one that showed you all the good things about yourself, and he kept you from falling over the edge of your anxiety. Still, the relationship wasn’t healthy, and you’ve actually been reading a lot about codependency. Yeah it was gay as fuck to be reading self-help books, but it actually made since. You’d also started going back to therapy for the first time in years.

If you wanted the relationship to work, you and John had to be on equal levels. It started out with motivating yourself to do mixing again, and that started out slow but steady until finally you had a whole new mix ready for when you needed to preform again. It wasn’t without its flaws but it was something new for you. You even picked up your guitar again and started playing in your free time on the street to earn a little extra cash. Your boss still gave you your job, saying you were the best employee and bumping you up to more than a waiter. Now you were basically a manager without the title and pay. Really you didn’t happen to mind they gave you a raise and now you were making $11.28 an hour thanks to yearly raises and a new position. You and Rufioh still chilled in the back as he smoked weed from a friend, and you smoked your cigarettes.

You kept him from being fired a couple of times.

He let you sneak burritos whenever you wanted free of charge.

It was a good relationship.

In fact for the first time in a few years, you were happier than you could remember. You were even saving up for another tattoo; this of course would be your 4th. You weren’t sure what you wanted yet, but you knew you wanted something done. You missed John, and you told Rose that, Jade asked too. Sometimes Dirk reminded you that you needed to fight for him, but you couldn’t really agree. It was more complicated than just fighting for him, it was fighting against all the things that could keep you together. Plus there were rumors of Vriska returning to Washington in a month or so, and that really didn’t sound like something you wanted to fight with right now. Instead you were focusing on things that made you happy, and that’s how you ended up in the park photographing birds in the Autumn light as you smoked. You smirked as you followed a bird with your camera, turning with it until it landed on a branch next to a guy looking at it. You captured his smile before you actually realized who it was as they turned back at you and waved. 

There he was, John Egbert in the flesh smiling and coming towards you. You drop the camera around your neck and flick the ashes of your cigarette. First time you’ve seen him since he got out of the hospital and he looked good.

Well normal, but his normal was always good to you.

He’d gotten a new jacket, black with blue music notes and god it reminded you of the way he plays the piano. He’d also gotten new glasses, an improvement by adding thicker frames, he seriously was a hipster the way he was dressed right now. But god he looked good. Great even. You couldn’t even tell he was in the hospital if you didn’t know it. Then again it’s been a while since you’ve talked so obviously he’d look different.

“Hey Dave.” He smiles at you, that smile that makes you melt. 

“Yo.” You flick ashes onto the ground and draw another puff.

“How have you been?”

“I could ask you the same thing Egbert.” He laughs and your heart flutters.

“Well you disappeared after that night in the hospital. I thought that was it, so I guess I didn’t think to keep you up to date on all the things going on. I didn’t really want to bug you, I mean I did a lot of shitty things so I guess I just thought maybe it was better if I just didn’t talk to you for a while. Or at all really. I mean, I’ve been okay though! My ribs have healed and like, everything’s good. The scar really sucks though. I have issues being shirtless now. Not like I didn’t before but I mean now it’s a big thing.” Even though he’s talking about serious things, his smile is bigger than anything you know and he’s talking animatedly with his hands. “What about you Dave, what have you been doing?”

“Things.” You pause and he pouts, just like you expected. “I’ve been working and doing stuff for me I guess. After you were checked into the hospital I figured I might as well check out since we seem to have such bad luck. I thought I might as well just keep going with my life so that I can have you actually be happy.” You shrug. “I’ve been mixing music, and I started playing the guitar again, I even polished up my piano skills because I got to thinking of the way you mixed music. I wanted to incorporate it into my shows so I’ve been brushing up on that. I got a promotion at work and am basically a manager now, and can go in and leave when I choose basically. Other than that I’ve been saving for another tattoo. I guess I’ve just been staying busy and working through my anxiety and stuff. I went back to therapy. So I mean, it’s whatever.”

He smiles and nods, before his eyes light up.

“Hey mind if we go get coffee?” 

You think about it for a minute.

“Yeah sure, I could use some coffee.” You let him see your smile, and the two of you start to walk. It’s in silence like all the other times you two have ever walked together. He still stops every time you see the need to photograph something. Sometimes you slip him into the shots, he pretends he doesn’t notice. Once you stop him on purpose to take a shot of him, and you tell him such. He just smiles, and you catch the way his smile lights up his eyes on film. He always has been your favorite subject. Before long the two of you are sitting across from each other, coffee in hand.

“When’s your next show?” He smiles as he swirls his coffee and his eyes stare into your shades and through to your soul almost.

“Tomorrow. I have Saturday off, and so I’ll be doing a day time show this time. Not mixing, just songs I’m playing at the café down on Briar.”

“Do you mind if I come see?” You pause, before you smile.

“I can’t stop you can I? So I don’t see why I’d say no.”

“If you don’t want me to go I won’t.”

“I want you too.”

The both of you fall into silence, and you find yourself smiling at him and then out the window. Whether it was chance that the two of you met today, it feels right, and though you are happy without him, you are ecstatic with him in your life. You can’t even bring yourself to laugh at the fact that he raps his fingers against the table in time to the indie music playing over the speakers at the coffee shop. This was your favorite coffee shop, it was his too. The two of you found it on the way to the park once, and while it’s not popular, it’s the best.

“Are you still rusty at the piano runs as you used to be?”

“Yeah, I still fumble when I need to switch hands. It’s why I like slower songs.”

“Heh, that’s cute.”

“Yeah well, you’re an expert and I’m not so shove it Egbert.”

He laughs as he knows you are just teasing, and you let the corners of your lips rise in a smile as well. You can’t help smiling around him. He’s your weakness.

“Do you really think I’m happier without you?”

The question surprises you and you look at him, eyes wide behind shades, and he just smiles softly at you. Your words are caught in your throat and you don’t really know what to say, and wow your heart is beating a million times a second.

“I mean, I can understand why you think that. We’ve been through a shit ton of stuff. And I cheated on you. I’ve broke your heart more times than I can count and god I’m horrible for even saying this; but I like you in my life.” He pauses and your feel your head pounding. “I’ve been horrible to you, I haven’t told you the truth about anything, and I can’t even tell you now, but if you really think I’m happier without you, I have to tell you that I’m not. Really I’m not. I miss you almost every day that you are gone, and I love you more than anything in the world, but I can’t tell you why I did all those things. Not yet. And god that’s horrible because more than anything I want to tell you everything and explain that I never meant to hurt you but I can’t.” He pauses and looks at you with the most intense stare you’ve ever seen him hold. “I’m sorry Dave, more than anything I’m sorry, and I wish I could change what I’ve done. But know that I’m not happier without you. I love you in my life, and I don’t want to lose you.”

A silence falls between the two of you, and you find yourself thinking of all the times that you’ve gotten back together. He’s never made this speech, he’s always just said sorry and you’ve fallen into the habit of forgiving him. Not this time.

“What do you expect me to say John, that I forgive you and we can go right back to being in that fucked up relationship we’re a part of? Just jump right back into your arms and say I love you let’s get married. It doesn’t work like that John.”

He sighs and smiles.

“Not at all. I want to ask you on a date.”

A date? A like real date? You haven’t been on a date in a long time. Even with John you two always fell back into the ‘let’s live together’ stage. There wasn’t really dating there was just, both of you together. A date, to tell the truth it sounds promising to you. Like there is a new hope to hold onto that the two of you might actually work things out.

“A date.”

“A date. I’ll buy you flowers and everything.”

You smirk and he smiles.

“Yeah, I guess a date wouldn’t be too bad.” He smiles and nods at you sipping his coffee and the two of you fall into a comfortable silence until you both part ways. Of course not before he makes your heart flutter again.

“Next Saturday are you busy?”

“No.”

“Meet me down on Holland next to that pie place we both like at 3. That alright with you?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Great.” And he leans in and kisses you on the cheek before you can stop him. He smiles and waves as you stand outside the coffee shop, fingers brushing over your cheek and a smile on your face. 

Maybe the two of you could actually work things out this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So long chapter notes actually.
> 
> First off to everyone that's commented on these chapters thank you and I don't really know how to reply without giving away plot details so I'm just casually saying "hahahahahahahahaha" to your crying because it's going to get worse.
> 
> Sorry it's my goal to rip out your heart.
> 
> Other than that, I'm trying to update each week / more than each week as I'm invested in this fic.
> 
> Also listen to [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I1p_sXflQQ), and [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpWO_byqSr8) and feel the feels I had writing this chapter.


	10. Fluttering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God dates just weren't your thing.

You were never good at dates. You weren’t even in the realm of knowing how one goes about dating someone without it being about sex, because that’s all your brother taught you. Dirk taught you different, but Bro? Bro taught you about all the ways that sex could be a benefit to a relationship. You and John never had sex. As far as you know John is still a virgin, though you doubt that because he was with Vriska. But thinking about that brings you down, and instead you are stuck starring at yourself trying to make sure you look okay. It’s chilly outside, so you are in your pull over red hoodie. The arms are shoved up and you can see the time piece on your arm. Other than that you are in your best pair of jeans and your leather jacket is on its way to your shoulders right now. You aren’t nervous. You are not nervous at all.

Who are you kidding you are dying right now it’s ten minutes to 3 and you are still looking at yourself in the mirror making sure you look okay for a guy that already is in love with you. Or at least you think he’s in love with you. Whatever this whole relationship was complicated, fuck it. Simple as that you head out of your apartment, locking the door and sending a quick text to John that you’ll be late. Bad impression already Dave. You are going to ruin your date. Oh my god it’s not even a date it’s a reunion with someone who already loves you. Fuck this, thinking was too complicated and you needed a cigarette. Quickly you light up flawlessly after having the habit for a year now. Puffing on nicotine always made you feel better, even though it was said to bring up anxiety. You should probably switch to pot but there’s no reason for that. Plus you really don’t want to deal with that stupid clown that deals the pot in this part of the neighborhood. Even thinking about it makes you sick to your stomach. Guy was a nut job.

Speaking of nut jobs, what were you even thinking would come out of this? Still you couldn’t stop yourself from doing this, it’s John and John is who you love. No matter what he’ll always be who you love. And yeah that’s unhealthy but he’s John. He’s an exception to the rule. It’s not like you haven’t tried to move on past him, but he was the one. The one and true meant for you. God you were getting sappy. Still as you rounded the corner to meet him near the café that the two of you loved, you were nervous. But there he was smiling and waving at you, holding a god damn bouquet of flowers the fucking dork. Though they’re your favorite, so you can’t say anything. You aren’t a big fan of flowers, but you do like rare and exotic flowers. You don’t know all of them but these are your favorites. They’re Plumeria Flames of the Sun, flowers that are bursting with color and beautiful to photograph. And he got you a dozen. Jesus that must have been expensive. Can they even be kept in Washington? Did he have to import those? You aren’t really sure you want to know.

“Hey.”

“Yo.”

“I know this is pretty lame but I got you your favorites.” He gestures to the flowers and fiddles them in-between his hands. 

“Well Egbert, this is it. This is how I am going to die. Wooed to death by John Egbert who has bought me fucking flowers on a date.” He smiles, understanding your acceptance and handing them over. 

“We can leave them in my car, I’m parked like right down the street. You walked here right?”

“Yeah I’m not going to waste gas on going down a couple blocks from my apartment.” He laughs.

“Good that means I can force you into my car no matter what.” You roll your eyes and sigh dramatically. His fucking car though. Fucking privileged gay child. Still can’t believe he chose a car like that. He leads you to the car, places your flowers in back, and opens the car door for you like a “gentleman should”. You groan and punch him in the arm, he just laughs.

“What are we even doing on this date Egbert?” You are more than a little curious, he’s driving into parts of town you don’t know, and that makes you feel uneasy.

“We’re going on a date. A cliché date that will have you swooning by the end of it.” He grins at you with that signature smile of his, and you just shake your head and smirk. 

“I must be dreaming because I didn’t know an Egbert could make someone swoon.” He chuckles as he starts pulling up to a garage.

“Oh it’s one of the Egbert-Crocker families’ specialties. We have you swooning within an hour of all dates. It’s just a curse that we have.”

“Oh shush it Egbert.”

He laughs and you chuckle as he swirls his way around the parking lot until he pulls in. You still have no idea where the fuck you are as you open the door and the two of you get out. It’s cold though, colder than normal, and there are a lot of people walking towards the entrance to the front of this garage. He notices your confusion and smiles, coming over and grabbing your hand lightly with his. Your fingers lace together perfectly, his warm and yours cold. 

“Come on. One Egbert swooning coming up.”

You smile, despite yourself, and the two of you walk up to the entrance. The closer you get the colder it gets and you are finally starting to pull the facts together right before the entrance opens up to reveal the fucking outdoor ice skating rink Jesus Christ Egbert took you to an ice skating rink. 

“I don’t know how to skate.” You say awkwardly as he stands in line to pay for your tickets and shoes (you want to pay for yourself but every time you bring out money he shuts you up with a glare). 

“I know, that’s the point.” He’s smiling and you are slightly nervous.

“Do you even know how to skate?” He nods and that feeling gets a little bit worse.

“Yeah of course, dad taught me a long time ago.” You cringe a bit and he just laughs and squeezes your hand. He asks the man behind the counter for two tickets and shoes, he doesn’t even need to ask your shoe size for some reason he has it memorized. Today was going to be a long day, and you knew it the moment you sat down at the cold as fuck benches around the rink to put on your shoes.

“Jesus Egbert, I’m not really comfortable with this…” He’s already standing and grinning at you like he’s sixteen. It’s almost infections aside from your nerves in your stomach.

“It’ll be fine. C’mon.” He grabs you by the hands and pulls you up after you have your shoes on. You stumble slightly and he catches you with ease. Turns out he’s still as strong as he used to be. He takes your hand and leads you to the rink. People are flying by and suddenly you feel a lot more vulnerable than normal and you feel a bit like throwing up. You aren’t stable on the ice, and you are gripping violently to John. Why the hell did he pick ice skating of all things.

“Hey hold on to the wall for a minute okay?” You look at him with wide eyes and grip to the wall with a death grip, and John just laughs before skating in front of you and turning around backwards. “You’re pretty cute when you’re scared Dave.” You flip him the bird before almost falling and desperately reaching for the wall again. “Here, give me your hands.” He reaches out to you and takes your hands in his and for a moment you think you are going to fall but he catches you. “I’ll teach you how okay?” He smiles and then starts to slide backwards dragging you unwillingly with him.

“God damn it Egbert, I’m not okay with it.” He laughs and smiles at you. “Just move your feet forward when mine go back, and you’ll be skating. I’ll be here to keep balance okay?” You feel like you are going to throw up and you are nervous as all fuck, but as he starts going backwards, you push forward. Before you know it the two of you are going at a pretty good pace, and he’s smiling at you, and you can’t help smiling yourself. You are actually learning how to skate. 

“Alright I’m going to let go okay?” You immediately panic. “No wait I’m not ready.” He smiles and shakes his head. “You are, trust me okay?” You aren’t really sure you are ready to trust him but he lightly lets go, and you keep moving like he taught you. He’s by your side and you are actually skating. This was actually pretty fun.

“Hey Egbert this isn’t really that ba—“ You plummet backwards and land on your ass hard. He looks at you for a minute shocked, before you start to laugh. And it’s legitimate laughter, and he starts to laugh too and helps you up. “Geeze Dave, I didn’t mean you’d fall for me literally.” You just laugh and shake your head. “Shut up Egbert.” The two of you skate again, holding hands, talking about useless stuff, and sometimes not talking at all. But you are having fun for the first time in a long time, and you are happy when he pulls you off the rink to get hot chocolate. Your ass is in pain, but you can’t really say you regret it.

“I’m glad you said yes Dave.” He smiles, his cheeks and nose red from the cold, as he sips his hot chocolate. You let him see you smile as well, and nod. “I’m glad I said yes too.” Your hand that isn’t holding your hot chocolate is holding John’s.

“Are you busy next Thursday?” He’s tracing his fingers over the lines in your hands, as you look around at the place around you. 

“No. What’s up?” You look at him and give a light smile taking a sip of your hot chocolate.

“I’m preforming a concert down on Troope. Like an actual piano concert, not me mixing music. But like I applied and they accepted and so I’m doing a concert in the ballroom of the hotel on Troope. I was wondering if you’d come.”

He’s embarrassed, and his fingers have stopped tracing the lines in your hands, and so you grab his hand and trace the lines on his. He looks up and you smile at him, nodding.

“Yeah. I’d love too.” His whole face lights up and he reaches across the table and kisses you lightly. Your eyes slip shut and you kiss back, gently loving the feel of his lips against yours and the little electric sparks that travel through your body as the two of you kiss. He pulls away gently and the two of you lock eyes, even though you have your shades on you know he knows you are looking straight at him. He kisses you quick and soft before sitting back down.

“It’s getting late I should get you back.” He smiles and stands up, holding his hand out for yours. You gladly take it and pick up your cups to throw them away. The walk back to his car is quiet, and so is the ride back to your apartment. He parks his car outside and walks you up to the door. “Thanks for coming today. I had a lot of fun.” He smiles, fingers still tangled with yours. You feel so absolutely happy, like your whole life is just going perfect, and nothing could bring you down. And you can’t help smiling. “I had fun too.” He smiles and nods.

“I should get going.” You falter, you don’t want him to go. “I don’t really want to go, but we should take this slow right?” He smiles at you and you nod. It’s true you need space before you can go back to living together. “Yeah.” He leans forward a bit and pecks you on the cheek. “I guess I’ll see you then.” He starts to leave, but you pull him back by the hand. You know it’s desperation that you don’t want him to leave, but he doesn’t want to leave either. Instead he steps forward and pulls you closer from around your collar before kissing you.

All the emotions you felt just intensify as he kisses you softly open mouthed and sweet. There’s no tongue it’s just a soft kissing, and the electricity up your body is sending you into heaven. His arms wrap around your neck and yours warp around his waist. The two of you stand there kissing for what seems like forever but is probably only seconds. He stays in your arms for a moment, smiling. “I love you Dave.” He pecks you on the cheek and then walks away to his car, waving as he leaves. You of course are left on your doorstep, numb from happiness fingers tracing your lips like a teenage girl who just had her first kiss. You smile and unlock your door, walking inside and taking off your coat and Jacket, before heading to your bed and plopping down with a smile and a sigh.

You are acting like a teenage girl in love. You just can’t bring yourself to care though. John Egbert does things to you that no one else can. Your phone goes off in your pocket, and you see it’s a text from him.

<3 

You roll your eyes, but reply with your own heart.

John Egbert was going to be the death of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> / sobs into the sunset
> 
> Anyway this is cross posted to tumblr as well. Also if you are curious about Dave / John's tattoos and piercings I have a post on my tumblr about them that are pretty detailed.


	11. Don't Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you can't keep your promises.

EB: aren’t you going to get in trouble for texting me at work? 

TG: nah dude i can do whatever the fuck i want around here 

TG: im in the middle of having a good old burrito thanks to rufioh 

TG: have you tried these things 

TG: they are a fucking god send 

EB: hehehe you are such a dork oh my god. 

EB: what did you want though? 

TG: to tell you about these god send burritos 

EB: oh my god dave 

TG: calm your tits egbert 

TG: i was wondering if you were free tonight 

EB: oh! well yeah i’ve gotta get off work first! 

EB: what did you wanna do? 

TG: thought we could hang out at my apartment 

TG: order some take-out 

EB: can i cook instead? 

TG: you want to cook? 

EB: well yeah we’ve ordered out for like the last couple of times that i’ve come over, so i wanted to cook for you. 

TG: like a housewife 

TG: housewife egbert 

TG: youve never cooked for me before whats the catch 

EB: i dunno i’m in a cooking mood! 

EB: sue me! 

TG: calm down egderp i am just sitting here eating my god send burrito and thinking i should probably stop because one housewife is going to be cooking me dinner like let me just tell you how great it is that my boyfriend is making me dinner 

EB: oh my god dave 

EB: stop 

TG: never you cannot stop a strider 

EB: hey being serious, you’re still coming to my concert tomorrow right? 

TG: yeah i wouldnt miss it for the world 

TG: why 

EB: i’m just getting nervous is all. i dunno it’s my first big concert since college, so i’m just freaking out is all. 

TG: youll be fine you are the best pianist this side of the world 

TG: people will be begging for your autograph 

TG: i will have to push off the hordes of women that will want your body 

EB: thanks dave 

TG: hey youll be great okay 

TG: promise 

EB: yeah. shit i’ve gotta go, break is over. 

TG: see you tonight 

EB: <3 

TG: <3 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -- 

You smile lightly and Rufioh smirks and pats you on the back. “Turning into a sap Strider.” You flip him the bird and roll your eyes. “Hey don’t even with me, every time whatever his name is texts you at work you cringe cause you still aren’t man enough to break up with him.” He cringes as usual and you just smirk. Rufioh and his boyfriend had a bit of a… communication issue. Rufioh wanted to end it, but of course his boyfriend constantly suckered him back into the relationship. That was a whole story in itself and you didn’t like getting in the middle. “Stuff it Strider, I’ll stop making you burritos.” You throw your hands up in defense as he nods to go outside to smoke. “Hey I’m stopping dude. Don’t threaten my burritos.” His eyes roll in his head and he lights up on the stored pot cigarettes in his pocket. 

“What got you smiling anyway in there?” He lets out the smoke as you light up your own. You shrug, and think about it. Really you and John have only been together about a week but you’ve spent time together almost every single day, and it’s good time spent. The two of you are getting along really well and it’s great for once. You actually feel like it’s going to work out this time. “John wants to cook me dinner instead of take-out.” You let out a long stream of smoke and watch it drift into the cold Washington air. “He’s like a housewife.” He chuckles. “Hey he’s a good housewife if anything.” You pause. “Nah he’s pretty great.” Rufioh nods and the two of you smoke in silence like usual. Until of course he brings it up.

“Think it’ll work out this time?” You don’t really have an answer to that, and so you pull out your phone and show him what you drew a few nights ago. He looks at it and then looks at you. “Going on your left arm?” You nod. “It’ll form a sleeve.” He lets out a low whistle. “Damn dude, when you go through shit you go through it and try to remember it.” You shrug and take a drag of cigarette before looking over the drawing. It’s the design for your left sleeve of tattoos. There’s a combination of spirograph symbols up the arm, added with ripped skin, with splashes of red and out of them feathers that turn into music notes. The design eventually falls into one spirograph that has John’s air symbol mixed with yours in its never ending strings of lines. If you look close enough the lines almost form the word fate. Of course, no one needs to know about this. Of course everyone will eventually see it, but well, until then, it’s a secret.

“That didn’t answer my question Strider.”

You go silent, taking one last puff on your cigarette before snuffing it out on the ground. “Nothing has ever gone right for me. Ever. So who am I to hope that this will work out? I’m just enjoying what time I have.” He looks at you with a painful look and you stare right back. He doesn’t apologize he just nods, and lets you head back inside. It’s the end of your shift, or at least it is now, so you clock out and start to head out the door when you run into a familiar face. Fucking Karkat.

“Dave, hey. Can we talk?” You sigh and nod. “Sure whatever. Just not here I work here and I’ve been here for 8 hours and I need space from my work.” He nods. “I only came to find you actually so that’s fine with me.” You quirk an eyebrow and he gives you a thoughtful almost pitying look and you aren’t really sure you want to have this conversation but the two of you head in silence to where your car is parked and you light up and lean against it. It’s cold, but you can’t really bring yourself to care. “What Vantas?” He rolls his eyes. “Look I just want to talk okay, and you’d better fucking appreciate the fact that I’m telling you this shit cause I swear to god if she finds out she’ll kick my fucking ass. And I’m sorry but I don’t want my fucking ass kicked by that bitch anytime soon.”

You know who he’s talking about without even asking. “What about Serket?” He sighs and motions to your cigarettes. “Can I bum one?” You nod and toss him one along with your lighter. “Didn’t know you smoked.” He shrugs as he lights up and hands you back your lighter. “I don’t.” He looks at you and takes a moment to explain. “Terezi doesn’t know I smoke, she thinks it’s a disgusting habit, so I tell her the smoke she smells on me is from all the trips I make to Gamzee.” You can’t really blame him, Terezi hates smoking, she’s more of a drinker. She hates hanging out with you when you are smoking because the smell “messes with her vision”. “She hates the habit so I don’t blame you. She gets pissed at me when we hang out. How is she by the way?” He shrugs. “We’re good. She’s moved in, so it’s not bad. I’m working on getting a promotion so that I can actually get her some nice shit for her birthday. When she’s not roaming the streets looking for people to sucker out of money, she’s doing a lot of reading. She wants to learn how to draw. I don’t even know how that would work, but I’m not gonna stop her.” You nod. “That’s good.” 

He nods and the two of you stand in silence for a long moment. “How are you and John?” You shrug. “It’s fun. I’m happy. He’s happy. I’m just waiting for when he ends it. Serket’s in town right? So I’m sure he’ll end it soon.” He sighs and shakes his head. “You’re a god damn idiot Strider.” You shrug and he just grows more agitated. “John loves you, and everyone who knows him knows it. Serket is just toying with him because of a deal they made in college. I want to tell you more but it’s John that needs to tell you. That concert you are going to tomorrow, the one John invited everyone too? Serket will be there.” You sigh. You don’t really want to deal with her and lose John so early. “He’ll kiss her.” Your fingers curl into a fist as he continues to talk. “I know you are pissed but listen to me Strider. He’s going to kiss her and flirt with her and you are going to suck it up and let him. If you don’t it’ll mean trouble for you. Big trouble. He’s taking a huge risk being with you right now with everything that’s going on.”

He pauses and you have so many questions but he glares at you. “Let me finish. Look, Serket will be there as his date. He’ll hold her, kiss her, act like he loves her. But watch his eyes. When he looks at you, watch his eyes okay? It’s how you’ll know he doesn’t love her he loves you. Don’t make this hurt him more than it needs to be. You can’t go off at the concert. You can’t say you are done with him. You can’t say any of that because you’ll get him in a shit ton of trouble, and then you’ll be in a shit ton of trouble. You have to be strong enough for this Strider. Stop all this moping bullshit and actually stand up for yourself and make him admit he loves you. Make him yours.” Silence falls and you are angry and pissed, and confused, and most of all upset.

“Why are you telling me this?” He sighs and gives you a look of pity and it makes your stomach go cold. “Because you deserve to know, and John won’t tell you. Despite what you think Strider I don’t actually hate you.” You sigh. “Why me?” He smiles at you a true genuine smile and laughs a bit. “Cause you and John are soul mates, it’s as simple as that.” You don’t believe in soul mates. You don’t really believe in love actually. All you know is that John is your weakness, someone who means a lot to you. And if that’s what a soul mate is then yeah, maybe you do believe in soul mates. But if he was your soul mate, why did it hurt so much to actually love him. Maybe you don’t actually love him. Maybe it’s just a thing in your mind that because you are such a lonely and fucked up individual that you have to love him because sometimes it seems like he loves you. You don’t want to think about it.

“Thanks.” You finally mutter as he nods. He goes to leave, but turns around last minute and says something that makes you feel a little less hate towards him. “John never cheated on you with me, he just spread the rumor that we did shit to get someone off my back so I didn’t have to date them. He’s always loved you Strider. Don’t let him go.” With that he leaves you at your car, numb and not really sure what to do. It’s a lot of information to take in, but something says he’s not lying. You are trying to think when your phone goes off with a pesterchum alert. 

— ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –- 

EB: hey! i just got off work, so i’m headed to the store to get some stuff before i come over! 

EB: i can’t wait to see you. 

EB: <3 

— ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] — 

You ignore the ache that hits your heart, and don’t bother typing back. Instead you climb in your car and start it up. You don’t listen to anything, you just go straight to your apartment to plop down on your bed and drift into the music on your iPod. You were the one that needed to be strong. You needed to do the things that John needed. Like be there for him from afar. Be his back-up because Vriska came first. You know that’s not what Karkat was saying, but that’s what it feels like. You just don’t understand why you can’t be together. Why don’t things ever go right for you because seriously you were tired of this. You were tired of hurting and feeling like shit, and god must really hate you because wow look at how fucked up your life is. You think about texting Rose but don’t. You think about texting Dirk, but you don’t. You think about taking too many pills and passing out. You come close, but you don’t.

It’s not even that you want to die because you can’t be with him, it’s that you want to die because you are tired of your life being shit. You thought that you’d be something great by now, but you aren’t. You’re fucking still working at a dead end job, DJ-ing on the side, and not sure what you want to do in life. And god you aren’t motivated to do anything, you just feel fucking empty and done with life. It’s not even, “I want to be dead” it’s, “I just don’t want to be living”. You don’t hear the door open or John calling to you until he’s slowly pulling off your headphones and smiling at you.

“Hey, I just got here. You okay?” You nod and give him an upturn of your lips, but he knows something is wrong right away. “I’ll get dinner started, and then we’ll talk about it okay?” He leans down and kisses you gently, and he lingers like always, lips feather light and soft against yours as you both breath in at the same time through open mouths and he kisses you again, and again, until you are breathless from an overwhelming happiness and electricity from the kisses. And it’s not a turned on electricity it’s just happiness passing through you. “We’re having pork chops.” He smiles at you and pecks your lips one more time before going into the kitchen. You don’t even have to say anything and he knows you like a book. 

You let him cook, and he hums little songs as always. Classical music that he’s created himself and you close your eyes and let it sink in. You don’t let yourself think, you focus on your breathing, in and out. You count your breaths, and finally after a while, he calls you in. “Dave, it’s ready!” You don’t smile, you want too, but your heart hurts too much to smile. Instead you walk in and smirk at him in a god damn pink apron. Fucking dork. “Jesus Egbert, if I knew that endless take out was the way to get you in an apron I’d have done it a long time ago.” He rolls his eyes and just nods to the plates next to the stove. “I made pork chops, mac and cheese and baked potatoes. And then for desert I bought us those chocolate brownies we like from the café down the street.” This time a smile slips through as he starts to make his plate and you the same. “We’re going to watch more Supernatural on Netflix right?” You nod. “Course you dork, wouldn’t have our dinner any other way.”

The two of you eat on the couch, watching Supernatural, which John has surprisingly not jumped during. He complains about how Dean and Sam are unlucky, and of course he gets upset when Sam has to kill his werewolf fling. You are re-watching the series with him to get him caught up. He’s always wanted to watch, but never took the time. By the time that a few hours of supernatural and stuffed stomachs later, he’s half asleep against you, your arm draped over his shoulders. “John, I think you should get going.” He mumbles and groans before sitting up. He looks at you for a minute, and his forehead creases with thought. “Hey Dave…” You quirk and eyebrow and look at him motioning for him to continue. He looks at you softly, like he’s hurting and he gently brushes the hair out of your eyes, your glasses long gone by now. “I… can I stay with you tonight? I’m nervous…” He drops his fingers from his face and shifts awkwardly. You think about it for a long moment, about what Karkat said, about the way he’s acting and you nod. “Yeah, that’s fine.” 

He smiles and the two of you head off to get ready for bed.

It’s when the two of you are almost asleep that he starts talking again, head on your chest, fingers tracing your tattoo on your hip. “I’ve hurt you a lot. And I know we haven’t talked about it, but it’s important that you know something.” You hum lightly to let him know you are listening but your blood runs ice cold. “No matter what happens tomorrow I love you more than anything in the world. I want to be with you and I want to be just yours. Hell I just want to be in a relationship where I can actually tell you everything, but I can’t. So you just… I love you Dave. God I love you so please. No matter what happens, stay with me.” You pause. You feel like crying, you know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but maybe he’ll tell you. “What’s going to happen tomorrow?” He sighs and kisses your collarbone through the shirt you are wearing. 

“Nothing, it’s just, if something does happen I wanted you to know that.” He’s lying, and he knows you can tell.

You are silent for a long time, and he’s quiet until finally he says it again.

“Please don’t leave me.”

“Yeah, I won’t.”

You sort of feel like that’s a promise you can’t keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I'm like 3 chapters ahead of where this is published, or maybe it's only 2. 
> 
> Anyway, I'm glad everyone likes this and I'm super glad ya'll are commenting (again I can't reply cause I'd just ruin it for everyone omg). For me this is pretty big news because today I reached over 26,000 words. I've never done that in my life omg. 
> 
> Probably because I've never actually finished any of my fanfictions.
> 
> No you don't have to worry about that here because I have an obsession with this fiction and would rather read it than write it but well, I can't do that until it's written. It's a frustrating process.
> 
> Also I do know that I've been making mistakes in the chapters, this is because I don't have a beta tester. None of my friends are savvy enough (no offense I love you guys) or caught up enough to be able to beta future chapters for me. Thus you get what I see when I type which often includes simple mistakes because I read what I want to be read. Does that make since? It's that whole thing where you need a proofreader because you don't see the mistakes you've made?
> 
> Ah whatever.
> 
> Basically if anyone knows a beta tester, hit me up yo. Until then I apologize because as much as I try to fix my mistakes I still miss a lot of them.


	12. Always and Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shakespeare never was any good at writing love stories.

“Oh my god what am I doing with my life, I’m not ready. I’m going to mess up so bad. Holy shit I can’t do this Dave. Don’t make me do this. Fucking shoot me please.” He’s pacing back and forth in pajama’s because the two of you still haven’t gotten dressed. You have about an hour and a half to get ready and he’s just now starting to freak out. “What if I screw up Dave? What if I actually lose everything and I end up being a horrible loser. I’m going to screw up so bad and Dad’s there and everyone is there and I’m just going to fuck up so bad. Don’t make me go Dave. Please don’t make me go oh my god.” He’s wringing his hands together and every time you try to get in a word edgewise he just continues on his rant of how horrible he’s going to be. “You don’t understand Dave everyone is going to be there and—“ He doesn’t finish his sentence because you’ve pushed him against the wall to kiss him hard. It’s not hard or rough, it’s just enough pressure and love to get him to shut up. 

He finally stops fighting and his hands wrap themselves around your neck and he leans into you. You hike him up further on the wall and his legs interlock with yours as both of your bodies melt into each other’s. Your fingers fall underneath his shirt and up his sides, around his back to hold him close. All the while the two of you kiss open mouthed and sweet, before he gets bold and kisses you with more force, slipping his tongue into your mouth briefly, coaxing you to go down this road. And you do. Your kisses grow from soft and sweet to soft and passionate, and he lets out a shaky breath as you part and kiss down his jaw to his neck in soft sweet pecks. His eyes have slipped closed and his fingers are in your hair, and you literally feel him shudder when you suck lightly at his pulse. “D-Dave…” His voice is a moan mixed with a sigh and the smirk that’s on your lips as you part from his neck is something that makes you proud when you see that he’s red in the face, lips bright and red, and eyes filled with lust.

You rest your forehead against his and smirk more. “You’ll do fine.” He’s panting slightly, and you can tell he’s uncomfortable by the half hard bulge you can feel next to yours. “But…” It’s shaky and said with no conviction. “You’ll do fine. And when you do great, we’ll do that again.” His cheeks burn a little brighter and he nods in a daze. “Get ready okay?” You let him down and he nods, still in his stupor before scurrying off to get ready with the stuff you’d brought over earlier. You don’t feel like telling him that you probably won’t be kissing him like that again. And yet after putting on your pants, stuffing your shirt inside, and putting on that red tie, you still pocket the bottle of lube you bought when you were buying him coffee earlier. Something in your gut tells you that you should keep it on you. He comes out of your bathroom thirty minutes before he goes on, and god you are struck breathless by how nice he looks in a suit. His hair is lying softly against his jaw, and yet it still spikes in that adorable way. And god his eyes are the most beautiful blue from behind his glasses. He’s blushing hand in his hair as you look over him.

God he looks great in a suit. He fills it out nicely, the blue tie an accent to his eyes, and fuck he looks good. “Do I look alright?” He’s blushing again but looking at you with innocent eyes. You smile a genuine smile. “You look great.” He smiles, and you wrap your arms around his waist and kiss him softly. He sighs gently into the kiss and you can smell the mint of his toothpaste. “We should get going.” He nods as you slip your hand into his and grab your keys. The two of you are silent on the way to the concert. He’s nervous and his hand is squeezing yours tight, and he looks at you occasionally with a pained look. You know what’s going to happen, so you’ve prepared.

“Wait stop.” You are just about to take the turn to the convention center when he stops you. “What Egbert? We’re almost there.” He sighs and you look over at him, and he looks as if he might be reduced to tears. You don’t know how it happened but his fingers are in your hair and he’s kissing you hard, and passionate, and full of feelings that you can’t describe, and you feel a tear hit your cheek before he parts and wipes it away quickly hoping you don’t notice. “I love you.” He pauses and you try to speak but he shakes his head. “I do. I love you more than anything, god Dave I love you so much. And I just… I love you.” He’s completely serious and your heart drops into your stomach and your blood runs cold. Instead of crying, you smile, and brush away a stray tear from his face. “I love you too.” His eyes fill with water but he nods and smiles a smile that doesn’t light up his eyes.

“I’m ready.”

You weren’t.

The two of you pull into the concert parking lot. He’s 15 minutes early, so it’s enough time to mingle. He doesn’t hold your hand when he gets out, his hand twitches near yours but he never holds it, and you don’t try. People greet the two of you separately, and he looks around like he’s waiting for someone. “John! Hey!” Just in time. Vriska is smiling walking over with a swish. She looks good. You hate to admit it but she does. She’s dip dyed her hair so it’s blonde and blue, and she’s in a dress that complements her body, black with dark blue accents. She smiles at John and wraps her arms around his neck in a hug. He smiles back and wraps his arms around her waist, squeezing her tight. You feel sick. “How have you been? I’ve missed you soooooooo much!” He laughs and shrugs. “I’ve been good Vris.” She smiles and kisses him lightly. “That’s good.” He doesn’t look at you and you feel like you might vomit from the hurt. “Yo dude, I’m gonna go chill and find a place to sit.”

This time he looks at you, and you remember what Karkat says. He’s looking at you softly, with pain in his eyes, and like he might cry. “Wa—Yeah okay dude.” You think he might have been saying wait. “Strider, so Egbert’s still hanging around with trash I see.” Vriska smirks and rolls her hair around her finger while leaning closer on John. “John dear, you need to drop the Strider trash. He’s so not worth your time dear.” She grins at you, evil and dark and he does nothing to defend you. You shrug. “Least I’m not a dirty whore. I know all the shit you’ve done Serket. Better watch what you say.” She rolls her eyes but gets defensive. “Yeah whatever.” You look at John one more time who’s no longer looking at you, but smiling at Vriska and she’s kissing him again. You don’t know if you can take this. “Bro, over here!” You look over and see Dirk waving you over, and nod walking over. He looks at you for a moment with understand and pats you on the arm. “Come sit with the rest of us.” By the rest of you he means everyone John knew from college. From the 7 of you, to all of Karkat’s buddies, to their siblings. 

You take a seat next to Dirk and Rose. Rose smiles at you and pats your hand gently and you think you are just a little fed up with their bullshit understanding. You look around as the others chat, trying to scope out who’s all here. Your Bro is sitting with Jade’s Grandpa, Rose’s Mom, and John’s Dad. In front of them is the damn Baroness and her two daughters who would normally sit with you guys but are putting on a nice show for all of the reporters around. The fight for John’s inheritance was getting pretty intense. The crowds talking dies down as the lights go down and focus on the fact that John is walking on stage. He smiles nervously to the crowd and speaks into the mic with a bit of a waver to his voice. You give him a thumbs up hoping he can see. You think he does because he looks at you and smiles. But it’s probably just your imagination. “Well thank you all for coming. This will be my first concert of my own classical and modern piano pieces. There will be a total of six tonight. I hope you all enjoy.” He smiles again and steps over to the piano sitting down and changing his stance.

Usually you’ve seen him play carefree, without a care if he messed up. But now he was serious, his whole stance was one of confidence, and he took a deep breath in and then out and his fingers started to move. You’d always loved his music and the way that it flowed from him like a part of him. But this was different. It was more precise and serious, and it felt almost strained to your ears, but not strained in bad, but strained as in there were so many feelings in the songs that it was overwhelming. It’s one song after another and he barely pauses in-between, and you find out why when the songs meld together so perfectly and tell a story. The whole thing is painful to you because the more he plays the more the notes hit your heart specifically yours and you feel tears threatening as he makes the final note to the final song. It’s silent as he stands and bows, and it’s still silent as he rises. You look around and see that people are in tears, and all at once every single body in the concert hall stands and starts to clap. There are cries of wonderful, there are tears falling, and there is a roaring clapping in your ears.

You clap too, and you only wipe one tear.

His smile is large as he bows again and nods before stepping down as the crowd disperses. You want to go kiss him hard more than anything, but he’s caught by reporters answering questions. Vriska walks over and joins in answering questions. You are waiting across from him to congratulate him, when you overhear what’s going on through the reporters. “So John, the rumors that you were gay, are those all false?” He nods. “Of course, I’ve been with Vriska long distance for the last couple of years.” There’s furious writing. “What about Dave Strider?” Your heart falls into the pit of your stomach. “Dave? He’s my best friend!” One reporter raises their pen. “It’s been rumored that the two of you dated in the past. Is that true? Are you the heir to the Crocker Corporation in the process of giving up your inheritance? Isn’t it true that if you don’t have a child by the end of the year, you’ll lose your inheritance?” He looks like he’s cornered, and he looks around and sees you. Your eyes lock, and he looks panicked. 

The reporters catch on and they turn to you and you are bombarded with questions. “Dave, is it true that you’ve been in love with John since you were younger?” There’s flashing cameras. “Did you know that if John is with you he’ll lose everything in his inheritance and the company will go to the current owner and her daughters?” You don’t know what to say so you back up. “Dave, have you and John ever had sex?” “How did the two of you become so close?” “Is it true that you actually got matching tattoos?” “The necklaces that you are seen wearing, both of you have them is that some sort of secret connection?” “John’s been seen with you more than anyone else, is there some reason for this?” You feel sick, and anxious, and suddenly you are dying to have your pills so you can take them. “Uhm… I…” The questions keep coming and you back up and hit the chairs behind you. It’s too much, and John’s trying to push his way through yelling at the reporters but you can’t hear him, and before he reaches you, you turn on your heal and run out as fast as you can.

Dirk tries to stop you, but you don’t let him, instead you climb into your car and squeal out of the parking lot as quick as possible. You look back to see John standing in the parking lot looking at your car, reporters standing behind him. You can’t take this, you need something better than a smoke to fix this. You need heavy alcohol, and so you screech into the nearest liquor store and throw down a good $200 on alcohol, heavy duty, before hitting your car again and landing at your apartment. You weren’t okay, and so you stumble in throwing your shades off and loosening your tie. Already you are drinking straight from the whiskey you’d bought, stumbling around to the couch and sitting down. Your head lands in your hands and you think and don’t think and more than anything you can’t process what just happened, because you don’t know what just happened. There were too many questions and too many things to answer. And why couldn’t John stick up for you. How could he let that happen? He’d never let them come near you before because you’d been too scared. And now, now he didn’t even defend you. 

You finish the whiskey and close your eyes laying back on the couch. There are a lot of things you could think of right now, but instead, all you can think about is John and why wasn’t he the John who used to beat kids up in the alley behind the school when they made fun of you? Why wasn’t he the John who used to call you when things were going bad for you. He’d always sing you a song, and you’d always feel better. What happened to that John? You look at your phone and realize that it’s been three hours since the concert, and your phone has been blown up from everyone and their mother. You aren’t drunk enough that you can’t see, and so you go ahead and look at the multiple messages. They start out with rose.

Dave, really you shouldn’t have left like that. Everyone is worried sick. Please call us.

Seriously Dave where are you, you aren’t answering your phone and we don’t know where you wound up. Please call me.

Dave, don’t do anything stupid. Please call me.

Then they switch to Dirk.

Bro you okay? I know those reporters were too much. Just don’t do anything stupid okay? Call me.

Dude, I know this is lame, but I’m starting to get worried. Seriously, we’ve called you multiple times. And we can’t find you around the concert. Please call me.

Dude, get ahold of me ASAP.

Then they switch to Jade.

hey dave we are really worried about you! :( make sure you call us when you get our messages okay? we miss you!!

dave, john is starting to freak out. he is in a panic about you! he is really worried that you are having an anxiety attack somewhere and he cant help! :(( please get back to us dave!

dave, we are really worried now, john disappeared to look for you. please call us! dont do anything stupid wed miss you!!

You have a few stray messages from other people, they aren’t really important. But John’s texts, you have an inbox full.

dave please call me.

no seriously dave please call me i’m worried about you.

dave please don’t do anything stupid.

i’m so sorry this is all my fault. i should have stopped those reporters. i tried so hard. i’m so sorry.

dave please be okay.

dave i’m coming to find you.

dave don’t do anything stupid, rose said that you were thinking about suicide a while ago. please don’t do anything. please dave.

dave where are you?

i’m coming to your apartment dave, i’ll be there in ten.

god just please be okay.

please god please be okay dave, i’ll be there in five.

please be okay.

You are interrupted from checking the rest of them when you hear a knock on your door. “Dave your car is here I know you are in there, please open up! God Dave please!” You don’t move. “I will get the fucking landlord damn it!” You still don’t move. “Please god please be alive…” You can hear him starting to cry. You don’t know how you feel, but you rise and stumble to the door, opening it. He stares at you, and you him. He’s still in his suit but it’s disheveled, and you are the same. He’s crying, tears streaming down his face silently. “Dave…” He looks at you for a moment, your voice a whisper on his lips, before he grabs you by the collar and kisses you hard and rough and sweet and soft and full of feelings that send electricity through your body. You don’t even care anymore, you kiss back with just as much force and pull him in by the waist, twirling him around to shut the door and then slam him against it. His mouth opens in a gasp as you hike him up so your legs can intertwine. His fingers are trailing down your back, and you lean in and kiss him open mouthed and slow and sweet but with anger and hurt. Before long, he coaxes your tongue out and the two of you deepen the kiss, his fingers threading into your hair your fingers unbuttoning his shirt as quick as you can. 

The moan that passes by his lips when you rut against him is something that should be illegal. He doesn’t say anything but his eyes slip close and his head leans back as he thrusts against you on his own. “S-Shit.” It’s a whisper on his lips but he opens his eyes to quickly go to work on your tie and shirt. The two of you begin to move as you shed clothing as quick as you can. His body is warm against yours, as his fingers trail over your chest across your scars to your back fingernails digging in as he kisses you hard as you throw him against the wall near your bedroom. You fumble with his belt and pants before shimming him out of them and making the way to your bed. His fingers shake as they pop open your pants and pull them down. You step out of them quickly the two of you only in boxers as you toss him roughly onto the bed. You don’t have time to go to him slowly as he leans up hands wrapping around your neck and pulling you down quickly with a hot kiss. He moans as you bite on his lower lip traveling kisses down his jaw to his throat, biting down roughly at the nape of his neck. His whole body twitches, his hips rising to meet yours, and his voice fills the room. 

“D-Dave!” You thrust against him, his legs tangling you together so the two of you can move with each other. The two of you build a pace that’s slow and sweet as you kiss down his body, leaving as many marks as you can in your wake. His fingers are hot electricity as they run down your back and the two of you move in time. So far it’s been silent in ways that you don’t speak, but the feelings the two of you convey through actions speaks so loudly you think you should be deaf. “D-Dave… D-Dave stop…” His voice is quivering with a moan and you don’t want too but you do. He’s silent when you look at him, but he looks at you with so much love you think you might burst, and he kisses you soft as he slowly pulls down your boxers and then his, and then nods at you. “Please…” The moment has struck you speechless. You know what he wants, you want it too, but you’d never thought it would come like this. “You sure?” He nods shyly, and you nod, reaching over to your drawer and pulling out the lube you kept there. Turned out you needed lube after all. His breath hitches as he sees it and you pause.

“It’s okay…” He gulps, and you kiss his forehead gently. The pop of the bottle opening sends a shiver down his spine, and his breathing quickens. You spread some onto three of your fingers and move them around trying to get the lube to warm up. “Are you sure?” He looks at you for a moment, eyes lingering on your fingers and he nods slowly. “Yeah…” It’s soft and silent and you nod and kiss him softly, one of your fingers finding the right spot and softly pushing in. His body tenses, and you let him adjust to one of your fingers. He’s uncomfortable, but you kiss him softly as he relaxes. “You okay?” He nods softly. “Yeah. Go ahead.” You slowly start to move the finger in and out slowly, softly, exploring for the thing you know exists, but you doubt you’ll find it. At first he seems uncomfortable, but then he starts to pant, and then a moan. 

Taking that as an okay, you slowly insert a second finger as discreetly as possible. He notices, but he doesn’t tense, instead he relaxes and lets out a soft moan. “A-Ah… p-please…” You kiss down his neck and collar bone as you push in and out of him, before softly opening your fingers acting like they are scissors. He fidgets for a moment, before nodding and you continue, stretching him as much as you can while searching for his prostate. He starts to moan again at the actions you are doing as you kiss down his chest and move at a pace that’s more than what you were. “D-Dave! There!” His whole body shudders as your fingers finally find what you are looking for and the moan that escapes his lips is heaven to your ears. You nod, and finding it easy to locate now, you hit it over and over until the only thing on his lips is your name. 

Sometime during this you’ve slipped in a third finger which met with no resistance or trouble as John squirmed beneath you moaning and panting. “D-Dave, now. Please now.” He looks at you panting as you stall your fingers. For a long moment the two of you stare at each other, and you are worried. You’ve never done this and this is your first time and what if you screw up. He nods lightly and smiles softly, you pull out your fingers and find the lube before coating yourself and then lining up with him. One hand goes on his hip, and the other your dick as you aim, and stop right before going in. You don’t know if you can do this.  
“John… are you sure…?” He smiles at you and nods, and you don’t know what to do, but you slowly insert yourself into him, and his whole body tenses. “F-Fuck…” There are tears on the sides of his eyes, and you stop. “Don’t stop.” He mutters, trying to relax as you move more, until you are completely inside. He’s crying by this time, soft silent tears of pain, and you wipe them away and shake. “It’s okay…” You don’t know if it is, but you try to say you do. Somehow throughout all of this he’s still hard, and so are you, and when he gives the go ahead, you move into him in slow shallow thrusts. Before long you both are panting, and he’s moaning. “M-More…” He moans as you kiss him open mouthed and hot as you make deeper thrusts, building up a pace. His fingers draw angry red lines down your back, as you bite on his neck leaving your mark. 

He cums a few moments after you’ve hit his prostate, and he yells your name loud enough for the neighbors to hear. As he cums you do as well, his own name leaving your mouth in an equally loud call.

The two of you are coming down from a high when you finally pull out. Of course you forgot to use a condom, so you reach over to the drawer and pull out wet wipes (which you only keep in there because you liked to stay clean when you beat it out). He doesn’t speak as you clean the both of you off. It wasn’t perfect, and you aren’t really sure if sex is ever perfect, but this wasn’t love sex, this was empty sex for the both of you. He looks at you after you’ve cleaned the two of you, and his eyes are filled with tears. “I’m sorry.” You nod. “I know.” Tears start to fall down his face and you pull him close covering the two of you up with a blanket. “I don’t want to leave.” His voice is cracking and breaking and he’s sobbing and you pull him as close as you can letting him cry on you. “I don’t want to leave you…” His voice is broken and that’s all he says as you shush him as much as you can. When he’s stopped crying he looks at you and you almost feel as if you could stand it all if he never had to look like this again. His eyes are red from crying, and he looks as if he’s just broken inside. “You don’t have too…” It’s a whisper on your lips and you know that it’s impossible for him to stay. “You could stay…”

He doesn’t respond. “I love you John…” You kiss his forehead and he nods. “I love you too.” You know he does, or maybe he doesn’t. You aren’t even really sure anymore. “I wish I didn’t have to do this.” You sigh. “I know you do, but it’s okay. I’ll always be here for you.” He shivers and you pull him closer wrapping the blanket around the two of you better. “I’m sorry they bombarded you with questions. I should have told you what was going on.” You sigh. It would have been easier to find out from him. “Is that why you’re with Vriska?” He nods. “I can’t be with you because then I’ll lose the inheritance, and Dad and Jane will be screwed, and I can’t do that…” He pauses, and you squeeze him tight. “I couldn’t stay away though. I couldn’t just leave you here, so I started mixing music like you do in the hope that I’d find you. And when I did, I couldn’t tell you why I’d cheated on you, or why I’d left you, or anything because I didn’t want you to know. And I’ve tried so hard to not be seen with you so that you aren’t bombarded with reporters. And so Rose and everyone else have helped me and so they haven’t seen us together…”

He stops and everything starts to fall in place for you. “We can’t be together can we?” He shakes his head. “But I couldn’t stay away because I love you.” He pauses. “During college was when Nana died, and then Feferi and Meenah’s mom showed up as long lost relatives that were fighting for the inheritance. Feferi doesn’t want it, she wants me and Jane to have it because it’s ours. But her mom and sister think it’s theirs. Their mom started having reporters follow me around. And then that mysterious clause in the company came up. The clause that says I have to have a child by the end of this year or the company goes to them.” Another pause, and he sighs. “If they found out I was with you, they’d bombard you with questions, and I’d lose the inheritance. So Vriska and I made a deal. I’d date her so she could get the publicity, and you wouldn’t be bombarded because of me. After a while I couldn’t take it anymore, and I didn’t tell anyone what was going on until just recently. Vriska’s deal was that she could get the publicity if you weren’t hurt in the process. We also had sex a couple times hoping she’d get pregnant. She hasn’t to my knowledge. So I stopped trying and came back to find you.”

“But you can’t be with me.” He shakes his head. “They’ll hurt you, not only reporters, but I’m pretty sure some of the bitches henchmen would hurt you in an attempt to get me to back down from the inheritance. It’s the same with Jane and Roxy. Jane can’t really be with Roxy, even though she loves her. So her and Jake are working out a deal, which is upsetting your brother. And it’s just frustrating, because no one can be with who they want to be and it’s all my fault.” The two of you fall into silence for a long time. It all fits now. The two of you couldn’t be together because of his inheritance, and for some reason you can’t bring yourself to be hurt. His Dad needed the money, he had cancer currently and they really needed the money. He was so close to recovery, and the inheritance was making the doctor bills easy to pay. 

All the time he’d cheated on you had been to help you or someone else. And everyone but you knew, until now. He wasn’t ever as horrible as you thought, he was just trying to protect you. “Can we even be friends?” The question brings you pain, but you don’t know if you can live without him. “I don’t know.” The answer hurts as much as you thought it would. “I love you Dave.” He sighs and kisses you softly on the lips and you nod. “I love you too.” The two of you look into each other’s eyes for a long time, both stroking hair out of the other’s eyes. Eventually the two of you fall asleep, close together, warm and sad yet happy. Two people so in love, but unable to be together. It was fucking like Shakespeare and you hated that shit. Why couldn’t the two of you just be happy with no problems? Why was it like this? You fucking hated it, and more than anything you hated that you couldn’t be with him.

The next morning you woke up, and he was gone. There wasn’t a trace left of him, even the toothbrush he used was gone. It left you sad. He’d gone without saying goodbye, and in a way that was probably for the better. It’s not until you are sitting at your couch looking at the vodka you bought, when you see a note on the table.

_I love you, always and forever._

You start to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so here's the deal. I've had this chapter written for a while, but I didn't want to publish it because I wanted to be ahead in my writing compared to what's published. Well I've reached writers block. So I'm going to throw you guys a bone and give this to you because I don't know how long it'll be until I can get what I want written. I know what I want to happen, but I just can't write it right ya know? Anyway, cross-posted on my tumblr as always. Also dude, if you guys follow me on tumblr I write a shit ton of requests and shit that I don't put on AO3. Also, if any of you like draw or something for this please tell me so I can give you like a lovely shout out and kiss your face. Anyway, I hope I didn't hurt you guys too much, I actually made myself cry writing this.


	13. He's Not John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter what, **he** isn't John.

Time has always been your thing. You know exactly what time it is whenever anyone asks, you always know exactly when you will arrive, and you know exactly how many minutes have passed if someone asks. Time has been your friend because “time heals all wounds”. But you know that time does not heal all wounds because you’ve had years to get over John Egbert, and still your heart is wrapped up with only him playing the strings. Time has not let go of the way that John Egbert made you feel, and still makes you feel. 

And it is with this in mind that you made the decision to block out feelings and logic, and even time. That’s hard for you, trying to let go of time, trying to let go of all the inner workings of your mind that is connected to time. For the first few days after he left you tried to disconnect by drinking. That never worked before so this time you think it was just an excuse to get drunk so you were numb. Instead, now the numb was no longer numb and instead an ice cold slap to the face by loneliness. Numb is his fingers wrapped against yours as you feel his skin slid across yours, and feel his breath leave his soft lips with a call of your name.

Numb is no longer something you want.

Instead you think that maybe you need a haze. A haze that covers all the functioning of your brain, and for a while (two hours) you think that you won’t find a way to haze everything out. Then by god you get a text from Rufioh. Instantly you know you will regret your decision, but you ask him about his dealer. The clown that lives down in the slums in that house that is always full of drug addicts and drunks. Despite his protests that you don’t need a haze and you should own up to how you feel, you ignore him and take the address to the clowns.

You don’t forget to bring your phone charger or a few other essentials since you hope that the haze will last a while. And you know for a fact moving in a haze is not a good idea. Safety first.

That was your excuse, as you knocked on the door to the broken down house. There are bear bottles in the yard that’s half barren a mailbox knocked down. You knock again the echo of the wood beneath your fingers making you anxious. It makes you nervous that no one has answered, you are three steps away from the door when it opens and into the doorway walks the clown. You hate him, you hate his guts, you want to punch him in the face for what he’s done to Karkat and Terezi. Yet there he stands, smiling at you with a glint in his eyes.

“Hey brother, heard you needed some help getting over some things.” He digs into his pockets, pulling out a small package of what you know is high grade medical weed. You don’t want to know where he gets it, but his eyes glow darker and you take a breath. “Comes with a price though bro, you sure you can pay.” You clench your fists, money isn’t a problem, and yet you know that’s not what he’s talking about. “You’re a special feature of a fine specimen, can’t let you get the haze you’re looking for without a heavy price my brother. If you want to forget little John Egbert, than pay up Strider. Or get lost.” 

He stares you down, dark eyes glinting and you don’t want to give him what he wants, yet your feet are already towards him and he’s smiling as he opens the door for you. It’s all to forget John, to forget the pain. That’s all you need. He pats your shoulder and you feel the need to shrug his hands off but you don’t. He leads you through the run down house full of drunkards and smokers who are half alive. You step over bottles of liquid and piles of vomit, finally reaching a clean and well-kept room. 

Inside is a king sized bed that’s got fresh sheets, the room looks like a suite in a hotel compared to the rest of the house. Gamzee grins at you and nods for you to sit. “Only the best for such a dear, dear friend in pain.” You scoff, almost spitting in disgust. Friend, you wanted him dead. Yet he packs his pipe well with only the best, and you stare as it lands in your hands with a lighter. “First pipe’s free.” There is a brief moment when you think that you shouldn’t do it, that there has to be something other than drugs to get away from John. Or that you can fix things. 

It’s when the hot tendrils of loneliness wrap around your heart that you realize it’s impossible without a haze. So you light the pipe and take a drag. You keep lighting and dragging until it’s all gone. By the time the pipe is out of your sights he’s already smirking at you leaning close and grabbing you by the hair. You grunt as he tilts your head back and makes you stare at him through your shades. His fingers wrap around your shades and slip them off and onto the bedside table. “You don’t need those now.” His voice is there and not, just a whisper of something that you can catch onto. What you are able to catch is the hiss in your ear as he licks at your earlobe. “Pay up Strider.”

You hate him.

You block out what you are doing because it’s emotionless, no feeling what-so-ever. However, you are aware of the way that your fingers slip off his shirt and trace his skin. It’s tan like John’s. He’s not John. He’s taller than you. He’s not John. He’s forceful and his grip is tight as he strips you of your clothes. He’s not John. You aren’t about to let him inside you, or him you. All that happens is the thrust of your hips into his, and his yours. The pleasure that rides through you is empty. His moan is deep and throaty as he splashes all over your body and finishes you off quickly. You call out John’s name.

He’s not John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating this quickly for you guys because I finally pushed through the writers block. Very short. Cross posted to tumblr.


	14. Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes being there for someone when it's needed is important.  
> So why weren't you there for him?

There are 1,245 popcorn paint dots on Gamzee’s ceiling. You have counted a total of 3 times, and by the 4th you were listing off 1,245 reasons why you love John. You decided to stop counting and instead smoke more.

But smoking doesn’t fix it anymore. Neither does Gamzee’s useless hate sex. In fact all you can think about is the way that there are over 2,000 reasons why you love John and why you shouldn’t be with Gamzee doing this. How you should be following Dirk’s advice. But all you can do is play over and over some of your favorite songs on your iPod.  
That worked for a while, and then they all reminded you of times that you spent with John and you find yourself crying and scratching at the skin on your arm.  
You also find that you haven’t been to work or home in weeks, and that no one knows where you are despite the multiple attempts to call you. You can hear your phone ringing now, but you aren’t going to answer. What’s the fucking point anyway?

The person you love will never fucking love you back and it rips you out from the inside out. All you want to do is run your fingers through his hair and stare into his blue eyes through those glasses. You remember all the times that you lay together facing each other, legs wrapped up in a knot, arms tangled over the others, faces gently inches apart. You didn’t have to talk, talking wasn’t necessary you could communicate by smiles and soft brushes of the other hair. You’d laugh and you’d wink and make faces at each other until the time had passed and it was time for him to leave or you to leave or even until he’d pass out in your arms.

You remember doing that for a whole day once. The two of you stayed staring into each other’s eyes laughing and smiling and making faces at each other. You talked about everything and nothing and books and music and movies and at the end of the day you were happy because for once in your life someone was paying attention to you.

You were always in some sort of way put into the background. No one really paid any attention to you and so you just sort of curled in on yourself. Then you’d met John and things were great and wonderful and never ended. And those were the things you were thinking of when you drifted to sleep on Gamzee’s bed, higher than anything and still thinking about John.

“GET THE FUCK UP!”

Cold water splashes your face and you feel every inch of your body snap from your haze into one painful ache. You don’t feel numb instead you feel cold (water duh) and you feel pain. Your heart is pounding and you can feel the empty pit in your stomach as you slowly rise from your haze and open your eyes. In front of you stands Karkat, pissy as ever, but with the darkest look on his face. His hair is matted and his eyes have dark bags under them, and for once in your life it hits you to check your phone as your heart drops.

dave, i really need you

you haven’t picked up

dave seriously i don’t know what to do

dad… dad he…

please god dave please be okay please answer

please dave answer

dave

dave please

Your inbox is filled with messages from John, some making since some not. He needed you. He needed you and you weren’t there. You grab your shades and stand, wobbling. Karkat sneers at you and laughs darkly. “It’s too late Dave.” You don’t know what he means but you are shaking and he’s shaking his head. “He’s dead.” You freeze and everything around you stops and you can’t breathe. “John?” It’s a breath of a whisper and he shakes his head.

“Dad.”

You sprint out of the room & throw up.

He was always there for you, so why weren't you there for him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short & to the point yo.


	15. I love you too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of something new starts with I love you.

It always turns out that the one you love most, will be the one to hurt you most. It’s simple, and in a way it’s so very complicated. The fact that you are even coherent enough to even think about how you are hurt is a painful thought. All your red eyes see are the left over pieces of your life that have never been together in anyway what so ever. And suddenly you are reliving all the times that anyone has ever died in your life. And why was death a thing? Why was death a thing, all it did was cause pain. All it did was cause an empty void in life and love. It was a stupid unnecessary thing, and yet all you wanted was death.

Kill me.

That is your only thought as you scrape yourself from the floor of Gamzee’s bathroom wiping your mouth on the back of your hand. Karkat is hovering in the doorway, just staring as you heave again, losing all the content in your stomach as you think more and more about how you were such an idiot. You are in such emotional distress that you are physically ill. He doesn’t comfort you in anyway as you continue to disperse your stomach contents in the surprisingly pristine bathroom. 

It’s when you heave for the last time and wash your hands, brush your teeth, and stare at your reflection that he speaks. “His Dad was shot. If you’d paid attention to the news, you would know that his Dad stood up to the bitch. Said the only reason his family was in pain was because they needed the inheritance to keep him alive. Said his son was losing the love of his life because of his mistake. He should have given it up years ago. There was a lot of unrest and a lot of scandal that happened about the bitch. Two days later, he was shot on the way home from treatment. John was waiting in the car when he heard the shots. He was shot in the chest three times, close range. He bled out in John’s arms.”

There’s a moment where you can picture the scene in your head and you feel nervous and queasy once more. Karkat looks at you and you stare back. He shakes his head and you sigh. “Is he okay?” Karkat shakes his head again and you punch the glass of the mirror, shattering it into pieces. Blood seeps from your knuckles as you pinch the bridge of your nose and take deep shuddering breaths. The sting is nothing compared to the hurt that you feel pulling on the edges of your heart. You pull away and wash your hand under the sink, only to realize you need stitches.

“C’mon.” Karkat nods towards the door. “Come back.”

Those two words, and you know what they mean, you know what he’s suggesting, you know exactly what he is saying.

“John’s waiting.”

Are you ready for that? Are you ready to talk to him, are you ready to be with him? Are you ready to protect him from all the hurt? Can you even do it? Turning to face Karkat you ask him with your eyes and he gives a soft nod. “You can.” He whispers, and you nod, putting back on your shades and walking out with Karkat. You step over the drunken bodies, you step over the piles of vomit, you step over the half dead bodies, and you reach the door.

“Going somewhere Strider?” You hear his voice snake from the shadows away from the door where he emerges and smirks. Karkat hides his head and clenches his fists. You steel yourself and nod. “I’m leaving your sorry ass excuse for a solution behind you ugly fucking clown.” He laughs and you spit on the ground of his house which has him stiffen. “You forget what you owe me?” You laugh, hard and steady. “ I owe you nothing.” He smirks. “You’ll be back, he’ll hurt you again.” 

He’s right, you know that he’s right. John will hurt you again. John may hurt you a thousand times. John may tell you over and over that he’s not ready that he’s not yours that he doesn’t love you, but no matter how much he hurts you, no matter how much he destroys you, you will still be his friend. You will still love him, because that’s what he means to you.

“I know.” You pause and smile. “He’ll hurt me a million times more than what he has but I won’t come back. I’m not that weak.” You don’t let him respond, instead you leave with Karkat, a steeled smile on your face. 

“You need to go to a hospital.” Karkat mutters as he leads you to his car, yours left at your house long ago. “I know.” You smile a bit and shake your head. “There, and then to where John is.” He nods. “Don’t screw this up Strider.” You smile. 

“I won’t.”

 

The ride to the hospital is long and short at the same time, your mind makes it more about finding John than fixing your overly bloody hand. Karkat lets you think to yourself, and you mostly think about what you are going to tell John. What are you going to tell him? What are you going to say? Will you talk about it? What if he doesn’t want to be with you? You grab your phone and with your non bloodied hand you type him a message.

i’m coming home, meet me there

You wait for a long time, and receive no message back. You wonder if he’ll never talk to you again as you walk into the emergency room of the hospital John was in. You get stitched up pretty quick, a bandage around your hand and stitches in your palm. You are facing the wall waiting for the doctor to release you when your phone vibrates.

Pulling it out of your pants you read the message from John.

turn around

Confused, but heart beating you slowly turn. Before you is John, crumpled and defeated just like you. There are paparazzi that have snuck in following him and you know they are there and he knows they are too. Even so, the two of you look at each other and he walks straight up to you. You are breathless as he pulls away your shades, his fingers shaking as he takes a deep breath. He stares at you, eyes haunted with hurt and pain, when he falls against your shoulder taking sharp uneven breaths. 

“I love you.”

You hold him tight and nod into his neck. “I love you too.” He pulls away, looks at the paparazzi and flips them the bird. His lips then are on yours and you hear the clicking of cameras. But you don’t care, because all that matters is that you and John are together for good, and your lips attached to his confirms that. You smile into the kiss as he parts, where he smiles too. “I love you.” You nod. “ I love you too John.” He smiles and you kiss again.

The next day your photos of kissing are all over the papers, and John begins the legal arguments to get the inheritance for real to get revenge on the bitch. But it doesn’t matter because you two are together, and that’s what keeps you strong. He’s moved in, and you are keeping him safe.

But all you really do is say “I love you” over and over. But the best thing is what he says.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is far from over my loves, but remember to follow me on tumblr for updates & drabbles about the fic.


	16. Let's Do It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bonding in different ways is always different.

You really wouldn’t think that there were that many things to do regarding legal issues; then again you’ve never had to hire a lawyer to fix a scandal. It’s been a week or so since John moved in and while things are generally okay, you still get uneasy. He’s stressed, sorting out funeral arrangements, dealing with getting his inheritance back the right way. He doesn’t have the money to hold a funeral if he doesn’t get the inheritance back and you aren’t sure how that’s going to happen. It’s not like you can pop out a kid in like seven days or something. Things don’t work like that. Of course there’s the option of using a surrogate mother, but that would take nine months and not exactly what the contract says.

If only Vriska had gotten pregnant. And now that you think about it you almost wish she had because of the fact that it would make things so much easier on John. Even now as you check on him from the kitchen, watching as he files through a shit ton of paper in the living room you are worried. You don’t exactly know what he’s thinking. You don’t even know how he feels about you. The one time you had sex was when you were both upset, and since then you’ve barely kissed. Not to say you weren’t okay with that, but you were still worried about the fact he just didn’t seem interested. You were getting self-conscious.

“John.” You hum lightly as you walk up towards him, hovering over his back and rubbing your hands into the muscles of his neck and shoulders. “Mmm?” It’s his silent response as he flips another page. “Let me pay for the funeral.” He stiffens and you sigh. This is the third time you’ve offered and each and every time he’s said no. He and Jane want to be able to bury their dad right. But they can’t, not with the lack of money they have without their inheritance. “Please John, just hear me out.”

He sighs and his head droops as he rubs above the bridge of his nose. “Dave.” You shake your head and continue to massage his neck and shoulders. “I’m serious, it’d give you more time to work on everything and you could stop worrying if they are going to cremate your dad or something. Please just let me pay for it?” He sighs, and you know he wants to say no, you even expect it. So it’s a surprise when he sighs out, “Okay.” You pause for a minute in your massage confused by his answer. “Really?” He nods. “Yeah cause you aren’t going to drop it until I let you.” You almost want to cheer for your win, but instead you just lightly smile.

“So take a break from all this paperwork.” He sighs and leans into your touch more and shakes his head. “I’ve gotta make sure I get everything done.” You roll your eyes and wrap your arms around his neck and kiss his cheek. “C’mon, you’re taking a break.” He groans, “Dave seriously?” You nod and roll your eyes. “Yes seriously, get your ass up we’re going out. Go put on something other than your PJ’s.” He groans but follows your orders. You are already dressed, having just gotten back from work.

As he gets ready you take the time to look over the paperwork. There’s clauses that are extremely confusing to you about the inheritance, something about who dies first, and who gets it. And then there it is the clause that caused you so much pain. You look it over and want to rip the papers into a pile of shredded paper to set on fire, but you don’t. “Dave, do we really have to do this?” He complains coming from the hallway and you smile, seeing him dressed in his favorite hoodie and jeans. 

“Yes, you need a break. C’mon.” He rolls his eyes and comes over to you and you smile at him, taking his hands and kissing the fingertips before heading out the door. “Wait I forgot my wallet.” His hand breaks away from yours and you watch him head back in before locking the door behind himself, wallet safely in his jeans. “Like I was actually going to let you pay for anything dude.” He groans, and you laugh. “I hate that you pay for literally everything.” You shrug and smile at him. “I’ve got the money, it’s not a big deal.” He rolls his eyes and takes your hand as you head down the street. “We’re not taking the car?” You shake your head and laugh. “No, despite my hate of the cold weather you love it, and I wanted to take you on a walk we’ll go get coffee.” He smiles finally for the first time in what seems like forever. “I’m surprised it hasn’t snowed yet.” You muse over it for a moment and nod.

“It has been really cold and it’s getting to that time of year. I’m a bit surprised too.” He hums as you start to feel the chill in the air and he smiles into the darkening sky. “It’s getting darker earlier.” You nod, “Time change John, did you forget?” He laughs and shakes his head. “No you dork I was just making an observation. Geeze.” You laugh and he smiles and it feels like for a while you won’t have to worry about things. 

It only lasts until you reach a block before the coffee shop before you both notice the paparazzi. “This is ridiculous it’s been like a week and they still can’t get over themselves. You’d think they’d just want that one photo and would be done.” You roll your eyes and shake your head. “They want more pictures of you being the only gay heir in Washington.” He laughs. “Only gay heir, more like the only heir that is openly gay and in a lawsuit.” You both chuckle and you finally reach your favorite coffee shop.

The bell rings as you walk in, and you smile at the warmth and smell of coffee. “Wanna stay or get it to go?” He hums for a minute and shrugs. “I kind of want to get it to go and take a walk down to the park and play on the swings.” You smile, it’s the first time he’s wanted to be playful. “Alright then, same as always?” He nods. “Yeah, thanks.” You smile and kiss him softly which makes him blush and hide away. He seems a little bit shy now that you are out in public again, and it’s almost endearing. 

You watch him out of the corner of your eye as you stand in line to get your coffee and his hot chocolate. He’s smiling, watching the people in the store and standing towards the back. You can see some of the journalists outside wanting to bug him, but for some reason they are staying back. He seems perfect. The way his hair falls into his face messy and shaggy, the way it stands up no matter what he does. He’s so absolutely breathtaking, and you ache to touch him the way you want too, but you know he’s not ready. Or maybe he doesn’t want it.

And that’s what scares you the most. “What would you like sir?” You are snapped out of your thoughts by the voice of one coffee attendant who seems annoyed, and you smile your normally dashing smile hoping to at least make her day better. “Salted Carmel Mocha, and a Hot Chocolate. Both Venti.” She sighs and takes your order. “Anything else?” You shake your head and hand over thirty dollars, “Keep the change.” Her entire face lights up with a smile. “Seriously?” You nod. “Yeah it’s close to Christmas and you probably need a raise. Enjoy it.” She screeches and puts what’s left over from your bill into the tip jar near the register. “You really don’t know how much this means.” You smile a bit and nod. “I’m sure I don’t.” 

She smiles and passes on your orders and you walk over to the counter to grab them before walking back over to John who has become entranced with your walking towards him. It makes you blush. “What’s up with that look?” You had him his hot chocolate and he smiles. “You gave that girl and almost $20 tip. It made her happy.” You shrug. “Yeah so what, it’s getting close to Christmas, giving season and all that.” He shakes his head and laughs before taking your free hand and leading you both out towards the park.

It only takes you a few minutes of peaceful silence and sipping of hot drinks to get to the park. It’s empty save for a few birds, and an old homeless person that you end up slipping a twenty to. They thank you profusely and John complains that you are outdoing him in the nice department and since when do you do that because you were supposed to be stoic. The two of you argue playfully until you reach the empty swings and he sits down in one, pointing for you to take the other. 

“Thanks.” He finally mutters after a long time of silence and drinking. “I mean, you’ve done everything you could for me and I just, it means a lot to me. And I just…” He shakes his head softly and chuckles lightly. “I’m just really happy when I’m with you.” You smile and hum at him before laughing lightly. “I’ve always made you happy John, it’s just taken you a long time to realize it.” He smiles and nods. “I’m sorry about that. All the waiting you had to do.” 

You shrug. “It doesn’t matter, in the end you came through.” That’s what you say, and half what you mean. It doesn’t matter because John is here now, but it did hurt when he wasn’t. And so it’s almost half true, because while it doesn’t matter, it still hurts sometimes when he doesn’t sleep in the same bed as you, or even when he doesn’t talk for a full day. “It does matter though.” He whispers after a minute. “I know that you are still upset about things that I do, and I owe you an apology for all the times that I’ve hurt you and I just, It does matter.” 

You sigh and pull your swing towards him and smile. He looks at you, sad eyes but smiling. You bump your foreheads together before kissing his forehead. “Yeah you’ve hurt me, but you’re here now. And that’s all that matters. The past is the past.” He sighs and goes to argue and you stop him with your lips. His are chapped and cold and yours are wet and warm, and the two of you linger. He tastes like chocolate when you deepen the kiss, and his free hand wraps around your neck and pulls you closer. When you part, you smile looking up at the sky. “It’s snowing.”

He looks up blushing, and laughs. “It is snowing.” You watch him finish his hot chocolate, and you finish your coffee before he looks at you and nods. “Let’s go home.” You nod, and the two of you join hands and start walking back. It’s when you get back inside and toss your trash into the bin that you feel John wrap his arms around your waist and furrow into your back.

“John…?” You ask and his voice cracks. “I miss him. I miss him so much, and I’m scared to even get close to you because what if she hurts you too?” So that’s what’s been on his mind. “Hey shh.” You turn around and cup his face staring into his eyes as he removes your shades. “I’m serious Dave, she could really hurt you and it would be all my fault. Just like with Dad.” John’s eyes moved from yours and you sigh, kissing his forehead and holding him close.

“I’m invincible.” He laughs darkly and you smile. “I am John. If you need a body guard I’ll be your body guard.” He rolls his eyes as you pull him back and smile at him. “You’d be the worst guard.” You laugh. “No I’d be kick ass, I know how to use a sword, I know how to fight, I am the best body guard ever. I would be kick ass.” He snickers. “You sound like you are a fucking knight in the middle ages.” You chuckle. “You’re the one that’s the heir to a corporation that could be compared to a kingdom.” The two of you break off into laughter.

“Better?” You ask after a minute. He shakes his head and you seem confused. “What?” His face rises and you see a blush on his face. “Can we….?” You are confused. “Can we what?” His face grows darker red, and he groans. “You know, like… fuck Dave just god damn it!” You don’t know what he’s talking about until his fingers wrap into your hair and pull you down into a heated kiss. You part panting, and then blush. “Oh. Yeah. Okay.” 

So you were going to have sex. And now both of you were aware of what was going on. 

Why did you suddenly feel like puking?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hint hint sex next chapter woo  
> and actually happy chapters for the next few ones?


	17. The Fragile Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are often, so very fragile.

There was an odd sort of churn in your stomach that seemed to be on the verge of either escaping through your mouth as vomit or staying inside because you are brave enough to face this new experience. In the end it frankly wasn’t new, you’d had sex with John before, the only difference being that now the two of you were aware that you were going to have sex with the other. That seemed to be the only difference, but there was something about the way his lips were on yours that was different. 

His lips are rough and chapped and you wet them with your tongue and he responds by pulling you closer by your jacket that you forgot to shed at the door. His tongue is shy and wet against your lips and you open your mouth lightly and let him kiss you for once. Let him initiate things. His hands are pulling on the ends of your jacket and you part breathlessly slipping it off and pulling him closer once more. His breath hitches as you hike him up around your waist and push him into the nearest wall. He pushes you away and sheds his hoodie as fast as possible before latching his lips back to yours.

The way his hands travel up your arm to your neck sends shivers down your spine. He pulls you down closer to him, and he slips his hands under your shirt mapping out skin there. It doesn’t dawn on you that he’s pulled you out of it until the kissing has stopped and he’s staring at your stomach. Instantly you want to curl into yourself and stop. There are scars all over your body and now that he’s taken the time to notice they cover not only your chest and stomach but also your back.

“All the strifes I had with my brothers, they sort of… left their marks.” 

He’s quiet and traces some of them with his fingertips gently, not speaking. You feel like you want to cry, what if he thinks you are ugly, what if he doesn’t want to be with you because you are damaged goods. What if he leaves you again?

“I think they make you more stunning.”

You take a sharp breath of air and he’s smiling up at you with those damn blue eyes behind glasses. You can’t help but push him back into the wall and kiss him harder than ever before, tears wanting to fall, but you can’t, he can’t know you were sensitive about them, but when you part he’s already figured it out.

“I know you were sensitive about your scars, but I think they just make you more stunning.”

Your breath is shaky as you let out a nervous laugh and he grins like an idiot and pulls you back into a kiss. You slip him out of his shirt and he parts with it almost grudgingly and you pause to look at him as he slides closer in on himself. He looks so beautiful. Tan kissed skin, freckles over his shoulders, there’s a soft bit of pudge on him but his abs are developing and you can see the faint muscles. He must have been working out. 

“You can stop staring at my fat now.”

He snaps you out of your trance with a distasteful voice and you look at him in disbelief.

“Fat? Are you kidding me? You’re perfect. Absolutely perfect. Everything about you is perfect beyond belief, I can’t even begin to fathom why you would think you were fat. Actually scratch that it was during high school when the kids that pissed me off made fun of you, but holy shit you weren’t even fat back then you were beautiful. You were so beautiful as you are now. God John what I wouldn’t give to be anything but a skinny pole! You have muscle and tone and you are so beautiful. I just want to count all your freckles and kiss you all over and just hold you but I’m terrified because what if I end up messing up. I mean how can you not find me repulsive I’m skinnier than shit!” 

You’re out of breath by the end of your spew and he’s looking at you with a gentle smile.

“I love you. God I love everything about you.” 

That’s all he says before his lips are back on yours and he’s pushing you into the bedroom. Despite your breaks for talking about things that now seemed pointless, you were still straining n your jeans with a want for something other than just friction. He pushes you into the bed and pulls off your jeans with ease, and you flip him and do the same. Your bodies fit perfectly together as he starts with a rhythm your hips can easily keep up with.

Your hands roam as he latches onto your neck leaving a dark bruise and a deep need for more friction. He delivers as you have evidently begun to spill your thoughts through moans as you kiss him again, deeper, mouths forming to each other, tongues swirling together. He swirls his tongue into his mouth and then sucks lightly and you thrust your hips and moan loudly into the kiss which breaks with a strip of saliva connecting you both. 

He seems ravage, the way he looks at you, the way he touches you. You have found that if you kiss his neck just right he’ll shudder and moan and arch into you in a way that pleases your own need for passion. It’s not surprising that you two don’t make it far enough to get off your boxers before riding on each other enough that you both cum in your boxers, to which John after he’s collapsed beside you mentions is a lot less appealing than he thought.

You stay panting looking at each other for a bit before you motion to the counter beside your bed and tell him where the wet wipes are. You were always prepared. You both shuck your boxers off and clean yourselves up before you are staring at each other close enough to taste his breath. He smiles and while his glasses have landed somewhere in the room, you know he can see you perfectly fine up this close. You both are holding hands, just breathing near each other, as if you don’t want the moment to end. But it has to eventually.

“What happened… the car crash, when you got hit? They said that it was a miracle you survived.”

You’d been curious since he had been in the hospital but no one had asked. You just left it alone, thankful that he was alive and not dead. He seems lost in thought as his eyes travel to anywhere but your own as he thinks. Finally he speaks.

“Rose had just texted me to tell you the truth. I was going to tell you, come right out and say it. I was in the middle of calling you when the car was coming for me. I turned to look at it and I knew I was going to die. Then, everything seemed to slow down around me. Everyone was frozen, even the car. I thought, and it seems impossible. But I saw the symbol you drew for yourself in the air above the car and then there was a huge gust of wind, and I saw the symbol you drew for me. Then time sped up, and I was hit, but not nearly as bad. It seems impossible. But that’s what happened.”

You were quiet for a while after that as he seemed to look at you for some sort of response.

“When I had those dreams, I was surrounded by lava and gears. It was as if I was watching myself in a dream. I saw myself standing on what was a large gear, in all red. I was thirteen again, even though at the time I was 18. Above me you were floating, in all blue with a hood that reached all the way to my hands. I was pulling you down and you were laughing at me, the wind blowing around you and spawning that symbol. Then everything went dark. You were gone and I was a bird. An orange bird, and I was flying away into a bright light, and then I always wake up. I can remember though, that in this dream, you were dead. And I was determined to never let you die again as the bird.”

He looked at you, and you at him. For a long time the two of you were silent until he finally said, half asleep,

“I think in another life somewhere, we never got to be together. And so this life, is to make up for that one.”

He pauses and yawns and then mutters something else to you.

“All I know is that I love you more than anything in the world, and nothing will keep me from being with you.” 

He kisses you sweet and soft and you find yourself crying softly to which he wipes away your tears and says, “I love you” over and over until the both of you are half asleep. You respond moments after he has fallen asleep, and mention that you love him as well. You know for a fact that you are going to be together forever, no matter what.

You fall asleep seconds later, not hearing the front door being unlocked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year folks! It's been a while since I updated and there are a few reasons why.
> 
> 1) I was in the hospital.  
> 2) I got a job that I quit on Thursday.  
> 3) I went to college and then dropped out.  
> 4) I also had a hard time being creative.  
> 5) I couldn't think of what to write.
> 
> While all of those are true, I mainly didn't update because well, I wasn't ready yet. Nothing felt right and nothing felt ready. So now it is.
> 
> So enjoy.


	18. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically I need a beta reader.

Hey guys it's been like years since I updated this fic. 

So here's what's been going on. For the last couple of years I've been in and out of the homestuck fandom, and thus I really lost interest in this fic.

But I've gotten back into the fandom and so I'm re writing this whole entire fic.

So I'd like to ya know, have a beta reader for this? 

If anyone is willing and ready to do so, hit me up on my new tumblr: doeeerie

Anyway I promise I'm going to get this work done and good stuff is gonna happen soon.

My old blog got deleted so all my works and updates and stuff are now on my new tumblr: doeeerie

Thanks!


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